And so it begins…

First day of school is tomorrow.  At least it is for the high school senior.  The college senior and the college soph began classes at Iowa State on Monday.  So tomorrow marks the beginning of our 17^th and final year in our public school district.  I’m not sad about it.  As I explained previously we’re ready to be done with high school for a variety of reasons.  Regardless, here are couple things relevant to the start of school.

First, when I started my senior year in high school The Lost Boys had just been released.  The soundtrack included the INXS song Good Times.  Which, of course, leads to the inevitable debate about whether or not Good Times is a better song than New Sensation which came out the following summer.  The answer is New Sensation.  Anyway, nothing is out right now as cool as Lost Boys.  Mainly because Hollywood has no good ideas.  The reasons are many but mostly boil down to the fact that its run by intellectually hollow woke d-bags who have to rip off the 80’s by doing another Top Gun instead of coming up with their own ideas that don’t suck.  Which, if you’re them, is extremely difficult.  Why?  Most Gen-X 80’s scholars tend to settle on the loose idea that most people simply don’t like to lectured by smug entitled narcissists who revel in being tattletales and who honestly believe that they invented everything and absolutely NOTHING of any interest happened before them. 

So the high senior not only has to deal with the fact all the movies suck as she enters senior year but also that nothing out right now remotely compares to Whitesnake’s Here I Go Again video.  She’s stuck watching tiktoks about cats.  Now despite the efforts of some, our school district has thus far resisted efforts to turn it into a People’s Republic of Totalitarian Dumbassery.  She’s going to school tomorrow in-person and maskless.  Now most of the credit for that goes to the Legislature and the Governor for making Iowa the Freedom Capital of the Midwest.  Regardless, if high school looks anything like the mall did last Saturday, everybody agrees that masks are useless.  Advantage sanity.

The college soph is in the sorority house this year.  And despite starting her second year, she’s attending her first in-person classes.  Which means she’ll not only be walking within six feet of other humans but she’ll – gasp – be living with 9 other girls in the house.  For context I have to go back to August of ’89 to get an idea of how I felt about things as I entered my sophomore year at college.  Hmm…

Well, first thing is the top song in the country the week I started classes was Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx.  So, yes, the 80’s did have a few instances of head hanging shame.  But that same week Heaven by Warrant was also in the top 20.  So…awesome.  Also, I had to build the loft in my dorm room. I distinctly remember it going up easier than expected but I had to wedge it in by “borrowing” some excess pieces of wood “found” on various other floors of the dorm.  The soph showed up in the house and just had to pick a bunk in the cold air and stake out some closet space.  But as the semester begins things are as close to normal as one can expect on a college campus heavily influenced by woke communism.

The college senior moved into a new apartment a couple weeks ago.  Street access from the front door, three floors on the inside.  Two bedrooms up, two bedrooms down, with a kitchen and family room in the middle.  Not gonna lie, I’m super, super jealous.  It looks like a super cool brick brownstone on the outside and it is located on the same street I lived on my junior year and is really close to campus.  Which makes it even more cool.  It’s cooler and almost exactly the same rent she payed last year in a far less cool place on the fourth floor of building.  Just to be clear, as a Dad I much prefer street access to elevators and four flights of stairs.  As a college senior, she’s not as excited as I am for my buddies and I to stop by after home football games.  For convenience, I made a request for a few six-packs of Miller Lite Tallboys for those particular Saturdays this fall.  Can’t wait.  I’m making a playlist from the fall of ’91 just to make us feel more at home when we stop by.  So far I’ve got Naughty By Nature’s O.P.P., Mellencamp’s Get a Leg Up and Hole Hearted by Extreme. 

So happy first day of school from the Freedom Capital of the Midwest.  And remember – my freedom protects you and your freedom protects me.

Senioritis

School doesn’t start for the soon to be high school senior for about 5 and a-half week.  College classes start for the two older daughters a couple days before that.  So come the last week of August we will have two seniors.  Two.  One in high school and one in college. 

So a couple things here.  First, senior year is awesome regardless of its academic level.  I’m not sure how the high school senior is going to top my senior year of ’87-’88 but since she’s a mini me, I have supreme confidence that she will be 100% invested in the full and total pursuit of senior year awesomeness in all of its red, white and Pabst Blue Ribbon glory.

Don’t confuse that for excitement or approval.  I mean, I’m her Dad.  And she suffers from the same affliction of unearned but extremely solid levels of confidence that I had back in the late summer of ’87.  But when your world view is heavily influenced by Ronald Reagan, Axel Foley and Whitesnake, self-assuredness is a given.  It is not until your time as a parent of three different high school seniors that you realize that you were, in fact, a dumbass.

Which brings me to my second realization, this coming school year will be our eighth consecutive year of high school parenting.  And we already have senioritis before the year even begins.  I mean, I’m done with high school parenting and all the crap that goes along with it.  Mentally, we’re college parents.  This is why the youngest kid gets away with everything.  You are exhausted.  Beaten down.  You’re like John McClane at the end of any one of the first three Die Hards.  And by the way Die Hard With a Vengeance is fantastic.  Unless you are talking about Return of the Jedi, the third installment of a series rarely is awesome.  Well, Christmas Vacation, Clear And Present Danger and Rocky III aren’t bad either. 

Regardless, we have high school parenting fatigue.  I know there are parents out there who really enjoy the high school years.  We did too at some point in the distant past that I can no longer recall but I’m sure happened.  Really, we just want it to be over though.  Because teenage brains are stupid and dealing with them on an hourly basis just ping pongs your emotions between rage and total bafflement that somebody would make certain decisions.  Sort of how anyone with a basic understanding of the Bill of Rights feels about Commie Jen Psaki’s regard for the First Amendment.  Anyway, we’re tired of the monosyllabic answers to EVERY SINGLE QUESTION.  I mean, yes, we understand that the brain is the last organ to fully develop taking until the mid-twenties…which explains why 18-24 year-olds have a positive view of socialism.  We’re tired of dealing with the weird phenomenon of them getting dumber as more of them show up and get together.  I mean seriously, what is the freaking deal with that?  Six of them are dumber than three of them.  We’re tired of finding old cereal bowls in bedrooms.  We’re tired of eye rolls and condescension regarding any decision we make.  I mean if I want to be despised for encouraging personal responsibility and consequences for your own actions, I’ll listen to Dr. Fauci. So that’s where we’re at.  Didn’t really expect it to play out this way.  So in the meantime I think I’ll continue to enjoy the rest of summer with cold American patio beers and some sweet hair metal tunes…at least until Psaki and Facebook determine that those beers and songs are filled with misinformation regarding the appropriate levels of fun we are allowed to have…

A Mostly Uninformed Guide To Independence Day Grilling

First thing you need to decide is the meat.  I’m partial to burgers.  I’m not judging or casting aspersions if you decide supplement your burger menu with brats or hot dogs.  I’m just not doing that.  Truth be told, brats and my gut get along roughly the same way as Ferris Bueller and Mr. Rooney.  And hot dogs…well…that’s not food.  Doesn’t matter if you call it a wiener, a frank or a red hot.  It’s still a hot dog.  Although I prefer calling them wieners.  Because saying wiener is funny and my sense of humor is still 14 years old. 

Now, I realize that the hot dog barons have gone to great lengths to disguise what the wiener truly is.  And to be frank (see what I did there?) nobody is completely certain what makes up the hot dog, although most wiener scholars agree it is some kind of combination of beef, pork, turkey, chicken and either raccoon or groundhog.  Depending on your preferences, you might dress your wiener up with pickle relish, onions, sliced tomatoes, sauerkraut, horseradish, pickles, chili, bacon or even jalapenos.  But most Americans stick with ketchup and/or mustard. 

Now since we’re Americans and we can always make wieners more interesting, we came up with the corn dog which rarely wanders outside of its native habitat of the Iowa State Fair.  Next, we developed the common American bagel dog.  The bagel dog, while a staple of suburban street cuisine, doesn’t normally make an appearance at the typical Independence Day cookout. 

Which brings us to the burger.  The venerable trustworthy delicious burger.  Burgers form the backbone of standard American grill fare the same way spandex and shredded jeans formed the backbone of hair metal attire.

First, condiments.  Lettuce, tomato, ketchup, mustard, pickles, onions.  Absolutely.  You pick.  The real decision comes with cheese.  First, it’s Independence Day so American cheese occupies whatever place on the cheese plate indicates awesomeness.  Next, cheddar.  Cheddar cheese is American cheese’s sometimes cool cousin.  Looks similar, adheres to grilled meats in a natural way but just not as good as American.  Kinda like Canada. 

Other choices?  Well there’s swiss. But I don’t really like to allow swiss onto the cheese menu for Independence Day.  The swiss aren’t really reliable allies and there are consequences for that.  Then there’s pepper jack, gouda and provolone I guess.  But here’s the deal, outside of pepper jack, I don’t like to get too creative with the cheese choices.  So, if you must, include some pepper jack.  But be forewarned.  Pepper jack isn’t for everybody.  Like free speech is to the left.

Finally, the meat.  Or meats.  Most, if not all, of your burgers should rightfully be beef.  Good ol’ midwestern raised beef.  If you were to compare burgers to NATO, beef is the USA.  Beef carries the entire cookout, smells great on the grill only to hear the Germans complain there isn’t any bratwurst. 

Next comes your bird meat.  Which is pretty much limited to turkey.  Turkey burgers are good.  But they’re not for Independence Day.  It’s like wearing a “I’m with AOC” shirt to a tailgate.

Your next grouping are your alternative burgers.  Elk.  Venison.  Bison.  Native to North America, high in protein and low in cholesterol.  Include them among your 4^th of July grilled meats.  Elk burgers are awesome.  Legit awesome.  Plus you feel like frontiersman eating what you kill.  Which, or course, you’re not.  You picked them up in the health section of the grocery store.  Doesn’t matter.  Wear a suede jacket with fringe and a cowboy hat when grilling these to get the full experience.

So there are some ideas for the grill.  My suggestion is you fire it up, take a pair of tongs and couple them with several ice cold beers.  Something nostalgic.  Stroh’s.  Pabst Blue Ribbon.  Old Milwaukee.  Miller High Life.  It’ll make it feel like the 70’s.  Which should seem familiar anyway with high gas prices, runaway inflation and left-wing crazies blowing up police stations…

Maximum Liberty Play List

Granted, if you’re like me the play list you listen to on Independence Day pretty much consists of Kid Rock, Toby Keith, and the theme to Monday Night Football.  That being said, I have put some thought into a potential play list for you guys.  Or at least a basic foundation from which you can enjoy cold beers, grilled burgers, the Bill of Rights and loud, colorful freedom explosions.

Just to get this out of the way, yes, every play list you develop for this weekend needs to include Lee Greenwood’s “Proud To Be An American” and Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue.”  If you just raised your eyebrows at that assertion, then I can only assume that you cheered for the Soviets in Lake Placid.

Aside from those reliable measures of your love for the Constitution, here are a few more suggestions.  Suggestions that were, in fact, aided by Miller Lite tallboys.

We’re Not Gonna Take It

More than once Dee Snider has called out the elite, self-appointed Ivy League overlords of both political parties who also happen to populate many of the key spots in government, media, education and finance.  So Dee and the boys paraphrased the Declaration of Independence and wrote “We’re Not Gonna Take It.” 

Born Free

Listen if you’re part of the demographic that likes driveway beers, hair metal and the First Amendment then Kid Rock is going to make sense to you.  If you’re part of the demographic who likes The View, lockdowns and Green Day, then this song isn’t for you.  If you’re confused where you fall, go to Youtube.  Watch these Kid Rock videos:  Johnny Cash, Tennessee Mountain Top and Greatest Show On Earth.  If they offend you and just don’t make any sense, you fall into the latter group. 

Coming to America and Forever in Blue Jeans

I just couldn’t decide which song deserved to be on the list so I put them both on it.   We had the 8-Track of Neil Diamond’s Greatest Hits and we played it A LOT during family car trips during the summers way back in the late 70’s and early 80’s.  So nostalgia plays a role here but so do the lyrics.  Neil’s grandparents were immigrants from Poland and Russia.  Immigrants from Poland and Russia know what real facism and communism look like.  Coming to America is a tribute the Great American Melting Pot.  Forever in Blue Jeans is about how the simple things are really the important things.

Yankee Rose

July 3-6, 1986 was Liberty Weekend in America.  President Reagan led America in celebrating 100 years of the Statue of Liberty.  Yankee Rose is a 100 mph, testosterone fueled, monster truck of freedom dedicated to Lady Liberty. 

Summertime

There may not be a song on the planet that better describes a holiday weekend barbecue with friends, family and freedom more than Will Smith’s Summertime.  But if Americans unabashedly celebrating George Washington, Ayn Rand and John Rambo with grilled meats covered in cheese, Dads in jean shorts and high caliber water guns offends you, then our friendship is going to last about as long as Joe Biden’s lucidity.

Getting’ Better

Optimism is not an American trait.  It’s a human trait.  And no country on earth engenders optimism the America does.  Tesla sings it this way, “I’ve been changin’ the scene, if you know what I mean.  Good things are comin’ my way.  And now I’m livin’ my life, and I try doin’ it right, Sun shinin’ every day.”  Show up.  Work hard.  Save money.  Go to church.  Believe in yourself.  Don’t be a victim.  And when you get a chance, kick back and party like its your job.

I Wanna Rock

What?  I do.  And if you despise commies but love big guitar riffs and individual rights then a second Twister Sister song slides right into your inventory of freedom tunes.  This is the AC-130 Gunship of freedom rock songs.  Do you think the woke flag burning lockdown enthusiasts who believe America was never great and get emotional fulfillment by wearing black on the 4^th of July while fantasizing about blowing up Mt. Rushmore wanna rock?  No.  They don’t.

My Life

Billy Joel, intentionally or not, absolutely nailed an easily understood description of individual freedom perfect for Independence Day: “I don’t care what you say anymore, this is my life.  Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone.”  Amen, brother.  Amen.

Sweet Freedom

First, if you haven’t watch Running Scared in awhile, go do it on Monday.  You’ll need some time in the basement dealing with your Busch Light hangover.  This is one of those forgotten 80’s classics.  Sweet Freedom is its theme song and you really can’t go wrong when you put the word “sweet” directly in front of the word “freedom.”

Banned In The USA

When is the last time you listened to this song?  Been almost 30 years right?  Go do it.  I’ll wait…

Yeah, you get it now.

American Rock ‘n Roll

I just really like this song and it’s titled American Rock ‘n Roll.  So yeah.

East Bound and Down

Because America needs more Burt Reynolds and more black Trans-Ams.

Something To Be Proud Of

Who am I kidding here…just throw on any song from Montgomery Gentry.  You could go with Damn Right I Am, My Town or Hell Yeah pretty easily.  In fact, you should.  Add those to the list.  Because, you know, this is America and if you want to play a song you can.  I mean, at least until, Pelosi starts regulating speech and outlawing actual words.  But in the meantime, “Am I proud of where I stand? Damn right I am.”

Crazy Nights

Kiss is the OG’s of American badass pyrotechnic party rock.  Which means they represent the foundation of middle finger irreverent freedom.  Which, by the way, I share some sympathies.  Crazy Nights, besides being awesome, is about liking what you like and being who you are.  So for 50 year-old dudes who like a lot of stuff from the late 80’s and early 90’s, this song resonates.

Bonus Track – Kiss My Country Ass

Now I ain’t country.  But this song offends the same people who get offended by waving the red, white, blue on the 4^th of July so it gets a spot on the list.

There you have it.  Assuming you don’t believe the Soviets were unfairly cast as the bad guys in Red Dawn, go and celebrate American awesomeness on the 4^th of July like it was meant to be celebrated.

Mowing And Freedom

I like mowing.  Sure the first few mows of the year are tough because your back and legs aren’t in mowing shape yet.  Plus, whatever endurance and functional strength you gained from shoveling snow off your driveway and sidewalks has dissipated by the time you roll into April.  By the time you get to your first mow your body isn’t ready for mowing because you’ve spent the last month watching college basketball which requires exactly zero of the same skills it takes to nail a really quality and enjoyable mow.  However your alcohol tolerance should be at peak performance levels.

One of the top reasons I like mowing because it is good thinking time.  Some guys use their time on the shitter for thinking time.  And that’s not a bad strategy.  Nobody is coming in the bathroom while you’re in there so it’s quiet.  Pro tip if you really want to be left alone while you’re in there – make some short audible comments that end in a question mark.  Like, “hmmm?” or “what the…?” Sounds stupid doesn’t it?  It works.  But the downside is that eventually your legs fall asleep and your stuck in there like Sgt. Murtaugh in Lethal Weapon 2.  So I use my mowing time for deep thinking.

But there are some dudes who don’t like mowing.  And while I intellectually understand that these dudes exist, don’t confuse that for sort of empathy.  Generally speaking I think these dudes fall into one of two groups.  Farmers.  Or communists.

1) Farmers

Farmers don’t like mowing.  You know why?  Because they don’t make any money mowing.  They are spending money to mow.  They have to burn gas and they have to push a machine instead of riding in it.  Granted a lot of farmers have commercial grade riding mowers or an attachment to one of their assortment of tractors which allows them to not only mow really tall grass but also take down relatively small trees in the process.  Which sounds awesome.  But I guess it makes sense that if you have to spend a lot of time in a combine making money, mowing is kind of a letdown.  Mostly because they aren’t sitting in a giant air-conditioned combine guided by GPS so their rows are perfect while they listen to podcasts about FDR’s failure at the Teheran Conference in 1943.

2) Communists. 

Communists hate anything that an individual can accomplish on their own without the help of the government intelligentsia.  Mowing is a threat to everything commies believe in. 

A single individual operating with autonomy on private property?  Unacceptable. 

The ability to assess your work immediately without approval from the statist illuminati?  Forbidden.

Taking pride in one’s own work and being able to celebrate the fruits of that work?  Capitalist piggishness.

An independent Dad using varying mow patterns as an art form?  Art that doesn’t equally distribute wealth, abolish private property and glorify state reeducation camps!?!?!  To the gulag with you!

America, that’s why

So this Independence Day weekend, take joy in the mundane self-determined tasks that we often overlook.  Because we’re only one more nutjob socialist in the US Senate away from being locked in our houses again.

Also, if the opportunity arises, head down to your local fireworks retailer.  My suggestion for those of you who aren’t sure what to purchase is to look for products that are called something along the lines of “Dr. Boom’s Mad Dog TNT Eagle Claw Blaster Shells.”  Another decent guideline is look for things that recommend you stand outside of some kind of “blast zone radius.”  If something is labeled with “maximum allowed by law” or “high altitude atomic freedom storm” also should give you confidence.

Lastly, if a neighbor attempts to impose some of sort local communist diktats about noise ordinances, just respond with a simple “America, that’s why.” 

Happy Independence Day everybody.

Released Into The Wild

On Wednesday the Governor said restaurants in our county can open on Friday for the first time in over two months.  The doors aren’t completely thrown open though.  They can only operate at 50% capacity.  No groups over 6 can be seated together and tables have to be 6 feet apart.

While I’ve been working from home, Mom has been going to her office every day.  She’s the only one there so it has been easy to maintain the 6 foot safety bubble.  But it was 75 and sunny yesterday.  So she came home a little early.

So to summarize – beautiful day, Friday afternoon and restaurants are open.  So we decided to venture into the wild.  We had no idea what places would be open and which would still be closed.  I didn’t make any phone calls to check.  Didn’t look anything up on my phone.  Perfectly happy to drive around looking.  Why?  Because this sucks.  Also 75 and sunny with hair metal on the radio always makes me happy.  Anway, we drove past two places with big outdoor eating areas and both appeared to still be closed.  Dammit!

As we came around the corner to another place I said, “I think they’re open.”

Parking lot?  Full.  Which really shouldn’t be an odd sight but it was.  It seemed strange to see a restaurant lot full.  One thing that didn’t occur to us was the possibility that if we ate inside, the place might want us to wear masks.  We decided to chance it.

We walked up to the entrance and it was readily apparent that we were just fine.  No mask required.  Didn’t want to wear one anyway.  The patio was already full.  And we got that last available table inside.  Turns out we weren’t the only ones with this idea.  But this place has those big garage doors that can open behind the bar so it really kinda felt like were eating outside anyway.

So a couple observations.

1-The staff at the restaurant were the happiest people on the planet.  I can’t overstate that.  Extremely happy to be back at work.  Extremely happy that people came out.  Also, they were happy.  Just want to make sure there are no misunderstandings about the outright joy in the place.  Everybody kinda looking around at each other smiling and nodding and raising glasses about being released from captivity.

2-The place we went to feels as much like a bar as it does a restaurant.  And the first thing we did was order ice cold beers in big frosty glasses.  Because you can’t really do that at home.  Looking around the median age was 45 or 50.  And there wasn’t a mask in the place.  Not a single one.  Only the cooks in the kitchen were wearing masks and gloves.  Nobody else.  Not the staff.  Not the customers.  Draw your own conclusions.  Mine?  Older people give zero F’s.  Zero.

There was a table of 4 dudes who were all in their late 60’s or 70’s and they were the happiest guys in there.  They were having a great time.  Not as great as the couple seated by the window who were doing shots with their server, but they were definitely having fun.  Honestly, it felt like that first warm Friday afternoon in college during spring semester when everybody is happy winter is finally over.  The amount of alcohol being consumed also contributed to that feeling.

As we sat there, I noticed that the place was still doing a pretty good take out business.  Steady stream of folks coming in and picking up food.  Two people walked in with masks, grabbed their order and left.  Would have been interesting to get their impression of the folks eating and drinking.

Our 20 year old drove the by same place on way home from a friend’s house about midnight.  It was still going strong.

So here’s the thing…Americans gonna be Americans.  And sitting in a bar and grill drinking an ice cold beer felt pretty damn American.

I think we’ll do it again tonight!  USA!  USA!

Home School

So Iowa closed schools for the rest of the year.  Some of you think this was a decision way overdue.  Some of you think this isn’t necessary.  But all of us think it sucks.

One of the girls already knew she was home until August.  Iowa State had already decided to go fully online for the rest of the semester.  Which, if you think about it, really makes you wonder why the hell we give so much taxpayer money to these universities if they can just go ahead and do everything without a campus.

Anyway, K-12 schools got the bullet today from the Governor.  Which means the soph and senior aren’t going back.  Feel awful for our senior.  She’s having an extremely rough day.  The high school has haphazardly figured out a way to provide continuous online learning.  Safe to say, however, that the motivation for high school kids isn’t something that can be consistently counted upon.  But since we’re now officially stuck in homeschool, I’m going to make some changes.  Because, as fate would have it, I am now the school board and the principal.  So the course requirements have changed.

It has become glaring obvious that our public school district spends very little time teaching kids anything about communism and the Cold War.  This is just a rough estimate but I’d guess, percentage wise, that about ZERO percent of the time is spent on this.  So I’ve developed a new class.  It’s called Communism Sucks.  To start with we’ll spend a little time on a unit I’ve named Communism and Starvation: Best Friends.  We’ll do a case study on the relationship between authoritarianism and stupidity.  Specifically, we’ll look at the Governor of Michigan.  Additionally, we’ll look at appropriate responses to communism in our own towns.  I’ll focus on the movie Red Dawn.  Finally, we’ll write a paper on Diet-Communism.  You may know it by it’s modern name – Socialism.

My second course requirement will focus on the late 80’s and early 90’s.  It’s a class I like to describe as Cultural Studies in Awesomeness.  It is divided into three units:  Hair Metal, Movie Quotes, and The Mall.  Each Unit is subdivided into key topics.  For example the first three topics under Hair Metal are:

Joe Elliot’s shredded jeans in Pour Some Sugar On Me – A creative and rigorous look into the macro and micro impacts of shredded jeans and bad ass guitar riffs.

We’re Not Gonna Take It:  Song or The Guiding Principles of Life?  Our aim is to analyze Dee Snider’s lyrics as a unique look at the changing motivations of parents stuck at home with their kids.

Poison.  A look into the major philosophical theories about Poison and their songs, from 1986 to modern times.  The aim is for students to critically evaluate why Poison is better than virtually everything they listen to.

The last course is still in development but it focuses on life skills.  We start with a short but informative chapter called Shut The F Up and Listen.  Once we’ve mastered that, and I expect significant potholes on our journey to understanding, we move onto Chapter 2 which is called Self-Reliance and Skepticism.  We focus on simple lessons like if it smells like crap, and somebody in authority tells you that it isn’t crap, then it is probably socialism.  Chapter 3 should be amongst the favorites.  It is tentatively titled Your Feelings Are Stupid, Suck It Up and Stop Complaining.  But like I said that is just a working title.

We’ll see how it goes.  Just kinda mapping out the timeline now…

Things I’ve Noticed

I’m not sure what everybody has been doing over the last couple weeks.  But I’ve had some time on my hands.  And I’ve noticed a few things.

First, do you realize that Eddie Money’s Walk On Water video is more or less the sequel to Richard Marx’ Endless Summer Nights?  Not kidding.  Go watch them both.  Hot girl has a boyfriend skilled in douchebaggery as evidenced by his stupid hat and lack of a shirt under his faux mafia-esque sport coat.  Drawn to Richard Marx’ awesome power mullet, prowess at billiards and a shared affection for Bud Heavy, she makes a move.  But things don’t workout for whatever reason.  Hot girl moves on while Richard Marx walks the cold alleys of Chicago.  Next time we see her she’s evidently in another relationship but has learned to stand up for herself as we watch her lose her shit while she chews out her new boyfriend in Walk On Water. But as fate would have it, she ends up standing in the rain sad and disappointed she couldn’t keep things going with Richard Marx and his hair while she laments her current situation.  You know, you gotta believe with a little inspiration from Jefferson Starship’s underrated 1981 hit Find Your Way Back, ol’ Richard could, in fact, find his way back to the hot girls heart.  Or at least that’s the way it appears to me.  But then again, I’ve been subjected to A LOT of Love is Blind with the girls trapped in the house with me.

As an aside, in the Find Your Way Back video, doesn’t Mickey Thomas kinda look like this week’s guest star on The Fall Guy who needs Colt Seaver’s help after he unknowingly walks into a doomed business deal that leads to his involvement in gold heist gone wrong!

Also have you noticed that the beginning of Aldo Nova’s Fantasy video feels like it is a deleted scene from 1981’s Escape from New York?  Which, now that I think about it, is maybe what we should do with New York now?  Anyway, am I the only one who thinks Aldo Nova used to be in Snake Plissken’s gang with Harold “Brain” Hellman and Fresno Bob?  But Aldo changed sides and now works for New York Police Commissioner Bob Houk.  I mean Aldo has access to a helicopter and a laser weapon which doubles as his guitar so obviously something is up there.

Whatever, I’ve had a lot time on my hands.

And finally, did anybody go see The Hunt a couple weeks ago when it opened?  We did.  Which was basically the last thing we’ve done prior to the country more or less freezing in place.  If you recall, this is the movie where a bunch liberal elites kidnap and then hunt a bunch of deplorables from red states.

I’m not really sure why the President along with Laura Ingraham and Lou Dobbs trashed the movie back in August right before its original release date.  It is hilarious.  Not “HaHa” funny but in a really violent and satirical way.  The whole movie makes fun of wokeness and elitist liberals.  So naturally I found it absolutely hysterical.  But I was also completely stunned Hollywood allowed it to be made.  Because if there is one thing woke libs can’t do is laugh at themselves.  Regardless, once Dr. Birx figures out how to defeat the virus, go see it…

I Think I Know How Uncle Joe Feels

So as we all know by now, Joe Biden isn’t going to win the socialists – I mean Democrats nomination for president.  America’s drunk uncle simply isn’t at the top of his game anymore.

There is one thing that I kinda sympathized with him.  A couple weeks ago a young voter who seemed to believe that old Joe could no longer win the nomination after the Iowa Caucuses asked him why voters should believe that he was still a viable candidate.  Biden in turn asked the voter if she had ever attended a caucus.  The voter falsely claimed that she had.  She claimed it was an innocent mistake made under the pressure of asking the former veep a question.  Not that my opinion matters but I don’t believe her.  The way the crazy left deliberately sets people up with deception and shady tactics, I think she meant what she said in order to give herself more credibility asking the question.  Biden didn’t believe her either and called her a “lying dog-faced pony soldier.”

Which, truth be told, is what I’m calling everybody now.  That was sarcasm by the way.  Anyway, Uncle Joe got killed for this comment.  Not because he called a young liberal female a lair but because of his weird quote.  So a few things here: 1) It’s Joe Biden.  It could have been even weirder.  He could have rubbed her shoulders and fondled her hair.  2) If I’m understanding the lefties primary correctly, I thought it was capital crime and punishable by social media feeding-frenzy if you called a young female liberal anything other than what the young female liberal specifically conveyed to you through some sort of new legal outline of how the left permits humans to address each other.  3), WTF was Joe talking about?

Turns out it’s movie quote.  Sorta.  Which means Joe is quoting movies to answer questions.  Which, if you grew up the 80’s, sounds perfectly normal.  But here’s the thing.  Joe apparently quoted a movie from the early 50’s.  You know what was happening in the early 50’s?  The Korean War.  When we sent Americans to stop the spread of communism.  Because communism is bad.  Now we have a diet-communist leading the Dems freaking primary.

The various social media detectives seemed to settle on the 1952 movie Pony Soldier in which a character says “The pony soldier speaks with a tongue of the snake that rattles.”  Or possibly the 1953 John Wayne movie Hondo in which a character says “pony soldier” in reference to lying.  So two things here: 1) Can you imagine if Uncle Joe actually attempted to quote the movie verbatim?  I mean who the hell knows what would have come out.  Its Joe Freaking Biden.  He says weird stuff all the time.  He’s like Will Ferrell in Old School.  Except he’s he’s running for the democratic nomination for president instead of streaking through the quad.  2) I think we can all agree that Joe Biden’s brain is not a place we’d like to be.

But here’s the thing.  I quote movies all the time.  Most of them go right over the heads of the twentysomethings I work with.  I’ll quote Top Gun or Beverly Hills Cop and nobody knows what the hell I’m talking about.  I’ll drop a “You tryin’ to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curve ball?” and I get really confused looks.  Or I’ll say “You know him as Joe the policeman on the “What’s goin’ down” episode of That’s My Mama. Put your hands together for Jackson Heights own Mr. Randy Watson!” and everyone says Randy who?  If I’m really on my game I’ll slip in a “Do you have the Beatles’ White Album? Never mind, just bring me a cup of hot fat. And the head of Alfredo Garcia while you’re at it.”  That’ll cause people to literally shake their heads and turn and leave the room.

So while I’ve seen Mean Girls, I can’t quote it.  And I’ve only seen one of the Harry Potter movies.  If I quote Anchorman, most of them get it.  But not all of them…

So while we all laughed at Creepy Joe’s mangled movie quote, I think there’s a few of you out there who have the experienced the derisive millennial blank stares when you refer to anything that occurred prior to smartphones…

The 8 Symbols of Christmas

On the way home from church yesterday, my mother-in-law asked us if we knew the eight symbols of Christmas.  Naturally, I didn’t know what she was talking about.  But this is a thing I guess.  There are eight symbols of Christmas – like the tree for example – and some folks have pointed out how each symbol represents Christ.   No idea if this is a recent deal or if people have been talking about it for awhile.  Regardless, I was unaware.  Which isn’t really a surprise.  I’m unaware of a lot of things.  Like I was unaware that Russell Wilson is a complete moron when it comes to facing a Kliff Kingsbury coached defense.  Yeah, college guys have been running up the score on Kliff for a decade but when I have Russell starting for my fantasy with a birth in the fantasy bowl on the line, he craps his pants.  Thanks for nothing.  Jerk.

Anyway, here’s a brief summary of the eight symbols.

Santa.  He’s a symbol of giving who hopes to instill joy and a love of peace and goodwill.  Tough to argue with that.

Candles.  Candles burn bright so we will not stray.  God leads us with his light.  Lightness good.  Darkness bad.  Got it.

Christmas Tree.  Christmas trees point to God high above.  Okay, I’ll buy it.  Tough to make this list without including the tree.

Star.  It is a heavenly sign shown to all on Christmas Eve, a shining hope guiding us.  And it goes on top of the tree.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Candy Cane. Like a shepherd’s crook used to guide his lambs, we serve each other with helping hands.  This seems like somebody just made up a rhyme as a way to put candy canes on this list.

Bells.  Lost sheep are found by the sound of the bell as we’re never lost to God.  Silver Bells is also one of my favorite Christmas songs.  It’s Christmas time in the city…

Gifts.  God’s greatest gift was given to all.  True.  Even if you only show up at church on Christmas Eve and Easter.

Wreath.  A circle with an endless connection.  Also they are way easier to string with lights than the damn treee.

But, if you’re like me, and by “like me” I mean an annoying smart ass who is mentally incapable of simply listening and learning what the eight symbols of Christmas are without adding your own needless commentary.

So without further delay, here are my suggestions for the eight symbols of Christmas.

John McClane.  Hero of the 1988 Nakatomi Corporation Christmas Party.  Symbol of selflessness and hilarious one-liners in stressful holiday party situations.

Kevin McCallister.  Dweller in the most Christmasy House in history.  Defender of the magic of Christmas.  Diner of delicious mac and cheese.

Frank Cross.  Well, listen, as a fan of sarcasm and dead pan humor, 1980’s Bill Murray is a personal hero.  And by the time Christmas gets here, admit it, you become a little bit of a bah humbug enthusiast just like Frank Cross.  But he repents, gets to wear a top hat adored with holly and saves Christmas.

NFL Electronic Football.  The 70’s were a great time for Christmas.  For me anyway.  Mostly because I was little and not paying 20% interest rates.  It did always seem like it was snowing though.  Not kidding.  That’s most of what I remember from Christmas in the 70’s.  Snow.  Also the most strategically pointless and useless game ever invented.  Geez, it was awesome.  Devising a play for your team must be a lot like watching Pelosi give directions to congressional Democrats inside their caucus room.  Doesn’t matter what she does, they are going to roam irrationally and aimlessly for hours…

Miller High Life Commercial.  You want to experience Christmas in 60 seconds?  Miller High Life Christmas Commercial.  Your welcome.

Bowl Games.   You know, back in the day, this was your only chance to watch somebody other than Michigan or Alabama.  Which reminded an entire generation of young Gen X college football fans, to think of the less-watched and non-televised during the holiday season.

Christmas Catalogs.  They arrived in August but the magical anticipation lasted until December.  Sure the jersey quality was low but everybody still wanted one.  I, of course, had three of the jerseys in the pic below.

The Bob Hope Christmas Special.  Recently I realized they still have these.  Not Bob Hope of course, that would be weird.  But Christmas specials.  I thought they had gone the way of Hollywood movies without wokeness permeating every line of dialog.  Idina Menzel just had one on CBS.  She didn’t the college football AP All-American Team but I hear was still watchable anyway.

Well, here’s to you coming up with your own list of Christmas symbols!