AOC’s GND

I feel compelled to comment on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’ Green New Deal.  Everybody else seems to be so I figured I’d add my unsolicited take on the topic.  It appears, depending on your world view, we fall into some variation of the following camps.  Camp 1 thinks AOC is an articulate visionary willing to take on the big money special interests and D.C. corruption to finally get the tone deaf politicians to focus on the greatest threat to the world and democracy which is climate change.  But even more than that, the Green New Deal represents the left’s vision for an America based on social justice, intersectionality and anti-corporatism.

Camp 2 thinks AOC is a gullibly idealistic millennial who lacks the life experience to realize the inherent evil of socialism and as result has been tricked into believing that socialism doesn’t always end in corruption, poverty and government sanctioned murder.  This group sees the GND as a collectivist Neverland based on soviet-style central economic planning that results complete and unilateral disembowelment of the United States Armed Forces.  Because tanks don’t run on good intentions.  Camp 2 doesn’t want to pay the incomprehensibly massive tax increases necessary to provide free houses, free vehicles, free money, free food and free diplomas which devalues the investments they’ve made into their houses and educations.  They also feel zero obligation – and that’s being generous – to support people “unwilling” to work.

To me the plan is really just a naïve lefty millennial screed of diet-communism.  It is a lot like a watermelon.  Green on the outside but red on the inside.  But here’s the thing that really pisses me off about the GND.  The thing that no one seems to be talking about.  And it becomes transparently obvious once you read the plan.

Now I’m just spitballin’ here because I don’t have an economic degree from Boston U. and probably can’t intellectually understand the GND, but it seems to me that AOC believes greenhouse gases are America’s least favorite thing.  Like less than Bill Belichick.  Or somebody mowing their yard at 8:00 on a Saturday morning.  Or The Last Jedi.  Back to science though, one of the sources of greenhouse gases, according to the EPA anyway, is livestock such as cows.  Additionally, the EPA says livestock, especially ruminants such as cattle, produce methane.  Yeah, so I also didn’t know what a ruminant was so I looked it up.  Examples of ruminants are cattle, sheep, goats, buffalo, deer and elk.  Fun fact about ruminants is they are evidently prolific farters.  Their farts produce methane gas.  Methane gas is a greenhouse gas.  AOC wants to be greenhouse gas free.  Beef cattle are ruminants.  Hence the logic behind AOC’s reference to getting rid of “farting cows” over the next 10 years in her supporting documents.

So as far I can tell, if you want to eliminate greenhouse gases you eventually have to eliminate methane gas producing ruminants.  And there are two ways to do that:  1) Physically eliminate all the ruminants, 2) Invent new gas free ruminants.  Since #2 seems to be a bit of a stretch, it looks like #1 is her plan.

So no more beef.  No more steaks.  No more meatballs.  No more beef jerky.  And no more hamburgers.  And without hamburgers we’re left with the total and complete annihilation of traditional tailgating.

Which can only mean one thing.  AOC hates tailgating.  And that my friends is just f*cking crazy.

Who in their right mind hates tailgating?  No one.  Not a single person.  You know why?  Because hating tailgating is f*cking crazy.  I mean what else does she hate?  Sunshine?  Happiness?  Smiling?  Tailgating is an American as planting Old Glory on the freaking moon!  It’s as American as drinking free unlimited refills on your John Deere tractor wearing cut off jean shorts listening to Kid Rock as you drive by your red, white and blue 4-door extended cab pickup watching fireworks and eating a big ass turkey leg while you contemplate whether or not you should grow your beard out like Abe Freaking Lincoln.

But that’s just me…

Now I know some of you are shrugging your shoulders and sarcastically saying, “Geez dude, maybe you just grill up some chicken or turkey.  Or some pork chops.  You could even try some vegan meat substitute.”

Fair point.  Except for that last part.  The generally accepted by-laws for the American Bad Ass Tailgaters of America clearly frown upon communism.  And the use of vegan meat substitutes.  They’re not outlawed, because freedom you know, but everybody understands that unless you have severe heart disease, we’re serving hamburgers.

Now I like chicken and turkey.  And I live in the top pork producing state in America.  Those meats are welcome at any tailgate.  Because freedom of meat selection is in the Constitution.  But those meats are like our allies in World War II.  You‘d notice if they weren’t there, but beef is driving the bus.  A big red, white and blue star-spangled commie bulldozing bus.

Battle drills at Fort KnoxSo all I’m saying is maybe tailgating isn’t the problem AOC is targeting.  But if you’re going to take a M134 six-barrel rotary Gatling-style machine gun to American society, you better know what you’re doing or you’re going to hit a lot of shit.  And some of us…we like our shit.

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