I’m not really a guy who appreciates art. I don’t really have a favorite artist. Or a top ten list. I can’t tell you the difference between baroque, impressionism or neo-classicism. I didn’t even know that classicism was a real word.

However none of that has stopped Bailey from exploring her drawing talents. I get home from dance yesterday evening after stopping at the grocery store to pick up 100 edible items for Kinsey’s class because today was the 100th day of school and they had a party. She had to bring 100 edible items – we chose super cheddar blasted goldfish. Got myself some of the pretzel goldfish. Very tasty. And she also had to bring in 100 non-edible items. She choose pennies.

Simple enough right? Well while Kinz was still in the shower, Rye decided to count out all 100 goldfish and all 100 pennies. Kinz came down while Rye was in middle of counting the pennies. It was awesome. First, Kinz is pretty ticked off because it’s her deal. Then she starts randomly yelling out numbers while Rye is counting the pennies.

“18, 47, 51, 12!”

Then Bails comes over and starts eating out of the pile of 100 goldfish.

Rye is pretty meticulous about projects of this nature. So the interventions from Kinz and Bails were worse than the time Magnum blew up Higgins’ model of The Bridge Over the River Kwai.

I had to physically restrain her. I was like Temp taking the Wild Thing off the mound in Major League.

Anyway, I walked in the house after dance and Bails is super excited to see me. Mom says, “Hey Bails, show Dad what you did at school.”

She runs over and shows me the following. rocker-chick

“I cut this out Dad because you like to do this too.”

“Ha! Cool Bails. We like to do that when we listen to Poison. Or Def Leppard.”

“Yeah, we like rockin’ songs Dad!”

Then she shows me this.


“It’s a picture of Mommy. Isn’t she pretty? She has a crown and earrings. Did you see her freckles? Her eyelashes have lots of colors too.”

“Nice job Bails.”

“Here’s you Daddy.”


Yeah, I got nothing here. My hair goes all the way around my head. I’m either Amish or a Bigfoot. I have some weird eye thing happening. Maybe I’m winking. I’ve never had a moustache but I do here. And it’s above what anatomy textbooks will insist is my nose. Not so sure. That might be Alaska. My teeth are pretty sharp. And black. I’m also green. If you didn’t notice. But I’m smiling. So I guess that’s good…

Published in: on January 30, 2009 at 10:52 pm  Leave a Comment  

Scrappy Solutions

What influenced you as kid? It’s an important question to not only answer but to also mull over for a bit. Reason being that whatever influenced you is probably influencing your kids.

You’re panicking right now. I know because I did the same thing. I mean if your major influences were the Super Steelers from the 70’s, Spiderman and John Hughes movies, you’d second guess your parenting skills too…

Why do I bring this up? Well, since it’s still a few days until Super Bowl 7, or Super Bowl 43 for you non-Steeler fans, I haven’t watched much except the NFL Network. Actual game rebroadcasts for Super Bowls 13 and 14 tonight and Friday by the way. Anyway, last Sunday the girls weren’t much in the mood for Super Bowl highlights so we turned on Boomerang. Did you know Boomerang shows a string of Scooby and Scrappy Doo shows in the mid-afternoon on Sunday? Like everyone else in their 30’s and 40’s, I hate Scrappy. Girls think he’s great though. Especially Bailey. But Bailey and Scrappy share the same metabolism and judgment so that’s not surprising.

Anyway, it got me thinking. I grew up on Saturday morning cartoons and I turned out relatively normal. But I didn’t really watch Scrappy. Which led me to write a quick list of my favorite cartoons growing up that we could use as a replacement list for Scrappy. In no particular order, here they are:

superfriends1Challenge of the Superfriends. This is a good choice for the girls. The Superfriends are on the side of truth, justice and colorful costumes. Good always wins. They display teamwork, determination and tolerance. How else can you explain them letting Zan and Jana hang at the Hall of Justice? Kinda like when Charlie Sheen befriended Corey Haim in Lucas. Except the only superpower Corey Haim has is to somehow be less cool than Cory Feldman.

scooby-titleScooby Doo. Doesn’t matter which incarnation of the series you’re talking about, this is the single greatest cartoon of all time. Yeah, I know, there’s no way Scoob and Shag weren’t smoking the hippie lettuce. But if you watch the show, this was a pretty wholesome bunch. They’re displaying problem solving skills and they never leave their friends behind. Plus the gang displays some nice MacGyveresque skills building traps. Engineering can be fun.

spiderfriendsSpider Man and His Amazing Friends. Peter Parker, Bobby Drake and Angelica Jones were just three college pals living with Peter’s Aunt May who..wait a minute…Angelica was a college girl living with two dudes. Note to self: Keep girls away from Spidey, Ice-Man and Firestar.

thundarrThundarr the Barbarian. What’s a better word for awesome? Princess Ariel was kinda hot for a cartoon and Ookla the Mok, despite being a Chewbacca rip off, was pretty cool. And Thundarr’s fabulous Sun Sword! Yes, I know, another Star Wars rip off. But where else can the girls learn cool catch phrases like “Demon Dogs!” and “Lords of Light!” Not to mention they learn survival skills in a world of savagery, super-science and sorcery.

clue_clubClue Club. Scooby clone? Yes. Totally cool? Also yes. Woofer and Whimper were hilarious. They were like Statler and Waldorf in The Muppet Show. Plus, like Scooby, the girls in Clue Club are playing a key role in foiling the forces of evil. Dotty, the youngest member of Clue Club, is also the smartest. She has a remarkably powerful supercomputer in her room that can perform forensic testing. See, it teaches science. Although I do kinda worry about the WarGames like feel to Dotty’s computer. If I ever see them playing Theaterwide Biotoxic and Chemical Warfare or Global Thermonuclear War, I’m going to feel a little uneasy.

the-real-ghostbustersThe Real Ghostbusters. You really can only learn two things from this show. 1) When using the proton accelerators against some type of ghostly apparition and things spin wildly askew, simply reverse the polarity and everything usually turns out okay. 2) This is too scary for little kids. The Boogey Man is actually in this cartoon. Yeah, the freaking Boogey Man. The girls already have an arsenal of reasons to wake me up at 3 a.m. I don’t need to give them anymore.

There are few others but I’m not really sure what they bring to the table. Godzilla Super 90 featured Johnny Quest and Jana of Jungle in addition to the giant atomic lizard. I suppose Jana swinging through the Amazon rain forest with her albino jaguar Ghost is kind of a role model. Or she’s just a crazy jungle dweller who isn’t smart enough to wear shoes or stay away from man eating cats. ThunderCats is another that I’m not sure I want the girls watching. Mainly because I don’t really need Bailey idolizing Cheetara who has the speed of the cheetah, a power which Bailey already has mastered, and whose main battle weapon is a staff that she uses to strike or as a pole vault. There’s no way Bailey doesn’t start leaping from couch to table spinning her Hannah Montana microphone stand.

Or I could just let them watch the NFL Network…

Published in: on January 29, 2009 at 9:36 pm  Comments (1)  

Peanut Blart and Jelly

We went to see Paul Blart today. Took the girls. Its PG so we were a little concerned that it might have some stuff in there that wasn’t really for the girls. I think there was one cuss word in the whole movie. It rhymes with “bass” or “sassafras.” Not too much violence either. At least nothing they haven’t already seen on Tom & Jerry.

I thought it was freaking hilarious. Plus it’s a Happy Madison movie so there are some well placed 80’s tunes. Great scene of Blart playing Guitar Hero too. My happiness, however, has been tempered by the fact that we spent nearly $66 dollars on tickets and food.

Anyway, Mom, Bailey and Kinsey go into the theater first to save us some seats. Place was pretty well packed. Rye and I stood in line for food. And this is one of the serve yourself cafeteria style theaters. I like going to the movies. Getting ‘corn, pop, etc. It’s all good. So I load up. Giant F-350 size popcorn, keg of Diet Coke and then three little ‘corns for the girls. We both needed those cardboard carriers.

Rye wants her own drink though. My options are the $38 bottle of water, the $46 dollar bottle of Powerade or a small pop. She’s 9 and we don’t like giving the girls any pop. If I get her one, I’m going to have to get a least one more for the other two to share. And giving sugar and caffeine to little kids is rarely a good decision. Like when you bought that Nelson CD back in ’91. But giving kids pop in a movie theater is dumber than drafting Sam Bowie before Michael Jordan in the ’84 draft.

But the fountain pop is cheapest thing. Rye quickly spots the Sprite and the Hawaiian Punch. Hmm….no caffeine in either but sugar in both. I went with the Sprite. But I made a key mistake. I decided to save a couple bucks and only bought two mini-Sprite’s. One for Rye, one for the other two. We stuck two straws in it so they could share.

Sharing is not something at which the girls always excel.

We get to the seats and explain that Bails and Kinz need to share. Blue straw for Bails, red straw for Kinz.

“Why does Riley get her own?”

“I want the red straw.”

“This is not fair Dad.”

“I’m sick, I can’t share, so I need my own pop.”

Seriously, I’m not even to my seat yet, I’m still standing in the aisle absorbing the expectant, and not always sympathetic, stares from our fellow movie goers. Since I made the sharing mistake, we not only need to end the sharing discussion but we also need to rearrange the girls so the two little ones were next to each other.

“Why do I have to move?”

“This is already my seat. Kinsey can’t sit here.”

And they were steadily turning up the volume.

Mom snaps into action. She turns and puts the Kung-Fu grip on Bails. Then renders Kinsey motionless and nearly unconscious with the freeze ray from her eyes. Rye distributes the popcorn and we take our seats. You should have seen them. It was like Batman and Robin. Electra Woman and Dyna-Girl. Swann and Stallworth.

We put the two-strawed pop between them in the cupholder. Which quickly led to a race. They were trying to out drink each other to make sure the other one didn’t get more than they did. Kinz can really put it away. Plus she can do it with Bailey whining and tattling on her. She has that feigned, contrived “what, I’m just taking a little sip” look on her face. Which gave me a flashforward to about 2021 when they are both in college. Think about that for a second. That’s scary stuff.

Published in: on January 24, 2009 at 9:17 pm  Comments (2)  

Thud and Gold Dreams

die_hardHave you ever wondered how you’d react if somebody busted into your house in middle of night? I have. Not that I’ve spent a lot of time on it but I like to be prepared. Like Fred Thompson said in The Hunt for Red October, “Son, the average Rooskie don’t take a dump without a plan.” I like to have a plan. Now, nobody broke into the house but what happened might be a good simulation.

Anyway, in my mind I’d always been pretty sure I’d react like John McClane in Die Hard.

Turns out I was wrong. I reacted more like Marv in Home Alone.

I’m having trouble dialing it down Sunday night after watching the Steelers dismantle the Ravens (the 90’s version of the 70’s Raiders) so I stayed up a tad bit late watching highlights. By the way, the biggest play of that game may not have been Polamalu’s interception return. It may have been Darren Stone’s unnecessary roughness penalty on the Steelers’ punt preceding that pick 6. It put the Ravens inside their own 15 instead of out by mid-field.

Anyway, I finally drift off to blessed slumber. Strangely every dream I’m having involves the Steelers. I’m having a dream about putting up drywall and the Steelers are helping me. Suddenly, as Willie Parker and Hines Ward are installing the last sheet, there is a very loud thud on our door. And I’m only about 4 feet or so from the door.

Bailey has been sick almost the whole weekend. 103 degree fever last Thursday. But with the help of our sacred and trusted friend Children’s Motrin, we’ve managed to keep the fever down. But Bailey evidently couldn’t sleep so she weaved her way down the hallway in the black of night and slammed into our door.

At 3:53 a.m.

That is not a time of day when anyone is at their best. I’m just saying.

I don’t know how fast sound waves travel but I’m fairly certain that as fast as the sound waves from the Bailey Thud traveled from the door to my ear, it was nothing compared to how fast I was on my feet.

I’m not one of those guys who can get up easily or quickly in the morning either. I need some time. My knees and ankles generally need some encouragement.

They got it.

I didn’t even throw the covers back. My molecules were moving so fast they passed through the material without disturbing it. I flipped on the light switch but since I was moving so fast I actually had time to turn and look at the light before the electrical current hit the lightbulb and thus illuminating it. Even the paint was bubbling in concentric circles from the switchplate.

That all happened before my feet ever touched the carpet.

Then, as my eyes adjusted to the light, I said to Mom, “Get the Uzi 9 millimeter, .45 Long Slide with laser sighting, phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range.”

Actually what I said was, “WHAWUZTHAT!!!!!”

Woke everybody up in the house. Includes Mom’s folks who were spending the night in Riley’s room.

At 4:27 a.m., I’m still wide awake. Senses at peak readiness. I could hear individual snowflakes falling. But I can’t turn on the TV and watch more Steelers highlights because Bailey is now firmly occupying the space between us.

She moves around a lot.

At 4:31 a.m., I figured we had comforted her enough from her scary encounter with the door and I took her back into her room. But not before I tripped over Rye who was sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag. She sleeps like the dead though. The house could be overrun by screaming fiery midgets and she’d be out cold.

Anyway, it took me a little bit to get back to sleep. The Steelers going to the Super Bowl, a sudden thud on your bedroom door…that’s a lot of excitement for one night.

Published in: on January 20, 2009 at 11:58 pm  Comments (1)  


Chasing number six baby! Here we go Steelers, here we go!

Published in: on January 18, 2009 at 10:49 pm  Leave a Comment  

Fatherhood Lessons from the Steel Curtain

So I’ve been thinking a lot about the Steelers this week. Super Bowl is on the line Sunday. I can remember watching every Steelers playoff game back to 1978. I missed the playoff game in Denver in ’77 because it was Christmas Eve and we had to go to church. Before that things get a little hazy. Regardless, the Super Steelers from the 70’s are a major influence on my life. Naturally that has seeped its way into my job as Dad.

Anyway, I’ve come to the conclusion that not only are the 1972-1979 Steelers the greatest team of all time but also that they can pretty much help you teach all of life’s important lessons to your kids.

If one of them comes whining to you about how their sister is being mean to them or how they are bored and don’t have anything to do, you can hit them with: rocky-bleier-vietnam

“Well, that’s just peachy. You know back in ’69 Rocky Bleier wasn’t whining about getting half his foot blown off by those commie VC bastards. He sucked it up and ran for 1,000 yards in 1976 on half of a freaking foot!”

Or if one them quits on a school project or even some small endeavor at home you can pull out this:

“Are you quitting!? You know if Franco Harris had quit on Terry Bradshaw back in December of ’72, the Oakland Raiders would have won that damn playoff game! There would be no such thing as the Immaculate Reception – arguably the greatest single play in NFL history! You’re lucky Franco isn’t here right now! He’d be sick! I’m embarrassed to even bring him up in this conversation!”

Sometimes one of your kids might be hanging around a kid you think looks like a punk. A kid who just looks like bad news. If that happens whip out this picture: mel-blount

“Do you know who this is!? It’s Mel Blount. That’s right – Mel Freaking Blount. He looks a bad dude. And you know what? That’s exactly what he was. He was bad, bad dude. He was so bad the NFL had to change the rules because he was abusing receivers so horribly it hurt their TV ratings! Sometimes when somebody looks like they’re trouble, that’s exactly what they are! They’re Mel Blount! STAY AWAY!

Or your kid might be afraid to try new things because his or her friends might make fun of them. lynn-swann-sb-10

“You know Lynn Swann took ballet. Everybody thought he was soft too. The Raiders even tried to kill him once back in ’76. But all he did was take his ballet lessons and make one-handed catches with his eyes closed. He only could use one hand because he was too busy showing his 4 Super Bowl rings to the Raiders with the other.”

Maybe they came from school and are complaining about a classmate calling them names. cannonball_run

“Well, you know they called Terry Bradshaw names too. And you know what he did? Yeah, that’s right he won 2 Super Bowl MVP’s, made some country music records and got to be in Cannonball Run with Burt Reynolds. Doesn’t get much cooler than that.”

Finally, they might throw you one of those simple but difficult to answer questions like “Dad how come bad things happen sometimes?”

There are a plethora of answers. An overabundance of advice on this question. I’ve found that a real world example helps kids understand things. Here’s my suggestion:

“Well, you know, good and evil are always battling. Most of the time good wins but sometimes evil wins. For example, between 1972 and 1976 the Steelers, representing good, beat the Raiders, who as everyone knows represented evil back then, five of the nine times they played. Including three of five in the playoffs and two of three in the AFC Championship. But sometimes bad things happen like the Steelers losing the ’76 AFC title game because Franco and Rocky were hurt. Sometimes bad things happen and instead of blaming others we should look at ourselves and figure out how to change things in the future. Like when the Steelers turned the ball over 3 times against Denver in ’77 and lost. Or sometimes good things happen just when things are at their bleakest like when it’s 4th and 10 at your own 40 with 22 seconds to go and your QB calls 66 Circle Option. Then he’s flushed out of the pocket and heaves it downfield to the Raiders 35 where there’s a collision and the ball goes rocketing backwards only to plucked out of the air just inches from the Astroturf by Franco back in ’72. Yeah, sometimes God just shows up and takes care of business.”

Published in: on January 16, 2009 at 11:52 pm  Comments (2)  

Bath Time Ponderings

I remember my folks getting angry with me because I’d be in the shower for 35 minutes. Your smiling because you remember how cool the shower was the first time your parents let you take one instead of a bath. Baths are for little kids. Showers are for big kids. So it was cool. jim-cantore1Plus you can shut the drain and and pretend you’re in a sub that has been hit or Jim Cantore from The Weather Channel reporting live during a hurricane.

Since I was in there by myself, they’d forget about me. So they just had high water bills with which to deal. We not only have the high water bills but also screaming, slapping and crying. See a little while ago we made the tactical decision of letting the girls all take a shower as part of our strategy to make them more self sufficient. And, in the words of Forrest Gump, “that’s good, one less thing.” If you have little kids, having one less thing to do when you get home from work is on the same level of coolness as free beer night in college.

Anyway, the logic seemed sound at the time. They were old enough to take a bath or shower by themselves and it freed up time for us. It’s your classic win-win.

Except anytime you put all three of them in a situation which requires any sort of cooperation and/or collaboration, it always deteriorates into Riley bossing the other two, while the other two ignore her. Add in Bailey signing loudly and Kinsey pretending she’s a mermaid and you’re getting a solid picture of the recurring situation. The shower almost always ends with cold water too because Rye is like Mr. Potter in “It’s a Wonderful Life” when it comes to sharing. She monopolizes the water while the other two stand and shiver.

We tried to solve that by having Rye go first and then sending in Kinsey and Bailey. That solved nothing. Kinsey then bossed Bailey and monopolized the water while Bailey ignored her and shivered. It’s no wonder Bailey is so tough. She could probably compete in the Iditarod at this point.

From there we moved to Rye and Kinsey taking a shower at the same time while Bailey took a bath by herself. No dice. Rye still bossy, Kinsey still obstinate, Bailey still cold.

So tonight we tried something different. Rye showered first since she was already properly motivated for a quick one because American Idol started tonight. She finished in 37 seconds.

I put the other two in a bath. Water was still warm so I figured even if they took awhile they weren’t running up my water bill.

Well they were in there for about 20 minutes. I heard some minor skirmishing but nothing that would require us to roll out the heavy artillery to quell the unrest and restore order to bath time.

Then I heard the distinct sound of an open hand hitting skin. SLLLLAAAAAAAP!

Then again. Short pause then a couple more. Then, “BAILEY I WILL KEEP SLAPPING YOU UNTIL YOU STOP!”

This must be how the UN feels when they’ve been monitoring a situation and feel that there is no need to send in peacekeepers only to see it erupt into serious combat.

I go up the stairs and ask them just what heck is going on. And by ask, I mean yelled. They immediately blamed each other. I asked for a status report on bath progress.

Hair washed? No.

Bodies washed? No.


“Girls, get moving. Grab the shampoo, put it in your hand and start washing your hair.”

“Okay Dad, geez.

“Do it now.”

“Okay, fine.”

This is when I realized they were just waiting for me to leave so they could start screwing around again. I reacted poorly.

I grabbed the shampoo, all four of their hands, dumped some shampoo into them and started washing their hair. It was really quite impressive. It was like I suddenly developed superpowers. Or a third arm. I also noticed that the bath water was now cold. But they didn’t seem to care. They just wanted me to leave so they could keep playing in the water.

Who does that? Have you ever enjoyed cold bath water? Isn’t that really a punishment?

Well, at least I learned that I can cross off – force girls to take a cold bath – from my list of things that’ll happen to them to they don’t listen.

So that’s good, one less thing.

Published in: on January 13, 2009 at 11:33 pm  Leave a Comment  


This whole back to normal schedule is killing me. I’m tired. Unfortunately, today is dance day for Rye and Kinsey. 4:45 to 6:45 in a tiny room. But it’s really a three hour tour since I have to leave work by 4 and I’m not home until a little after 7. Not so bad in September or May but now the cold just kicks you in the teeth every time you go outside. And night time is no time to be outside in Iowa right now.

I started this tradition a few years ago of always grabbing a bottle of water and a snack for Rye before we went to dance. It was pretty easy until we added Kinsey to trip. Kinsey is slower at everything. Right now the girls are sharing a bottle of Propel and a bag of Sun Chips. Black Cherry water and Harvest Cheddar chips. For awhile we were going with the Mandarin Orange and the Kiwi-Strawberry water but that just started brawling and whining about who got what flavor. I solved that problem the way all parents solve flavor related problems. I eliminated choice. Now we get Black Cherry because its my favorite. But they each have their own bottles today because Kinsey is hacking and coughing like she’s been smoking a pack a day since BA was telling Hannibal he ain’t getting on no plane!

Kinsey being Kinsey, she hardly drank any of her water before we arrived at dance class. So when Rye goes in, Kinsey cracks open her bottle, takes a couple swigs, and puts the cap back on. And when I say puts the cap back on I mean that the cap was physically on the top of the bottle but not really accomplishing anything that caps are meant to do. Kinda like the Republicans in Congress when Tom DeLay was in charge.

Kinsey and one of her dance buddies have fallen into this habit of pretending they are running a restaurant while Rye’s class is going on. Their pretend restaurant is a unique place. They have lots of flavors of drinks – cherry, banana, grape, strawberry and coke. But they only have two cups and one looks a lot like a trophy. The only food they have is cake. Yellow, green or red. It’s not very tasty and distinctly resembles giant legos. Best thing about the place is that crayons are the same as money. They are also the straws. So we’re constantly dealing with money/straw mix ups.

Today Kinsey was really excited to start playing and instead of placing her water bottle down on the floor or on the empty chair next to me, she sorta did this half drop, half throw of the bottle into my lap. I wasn’t really paying attention because I’m reading one of Newt Gingrich’s books on the Civil War. Grant Comes East. Fascinating take on the aftermath of a Confederate victory at Gettysburg. I’m totally engrossed. Not just because history and the Civil War mesmerize me but also because the Moms and one of the dance teachers are having some sort of in depth discussion on point shoes and feet and pets. Weird stuff.

All of which don’t really matter to me much because now I suddenly look like I wet myself. And its smells like cherry blossoms. Which either means I need to cut back on my intake of flavored water or I really, really like cherry blossoms.

Anyway, I caught the bottle quickly enough to stop it from looking like I dragged my left leg in a pool and made it home. Mom made walking tacos for dinners. Very popular at state fair type events. Except the girls made their own. It looked like we had meat showers in kitchen after dinner. Not one crumb of cheese or Doritos on the floor mind you.

I’m glad tomorrow is Friday even though we now have gymnastics on the weekends. Nothing like spending your Saturday mornings in a big gym that smells like a foot. Plus we have a birthday party for Kinz this weekend. Damn, the Steelers better win Sunday…

Published in: on January 9, 2009 at 12:11 am  Leave a Comment  

Back to Normal

The first day back at school for the kids has to be the least favorite day of the school year for teachers. I mean its pretty crappy for parents but we only have to deal with our own offspring. Think about if you had 22 sleepy, crabby and disinterested six year-olds.

Actually once they muscle their way through the sleepiness, I bet its not that bad. Can’t be as bad as getting the girls up yesterday morning as we transitioned back to school/work schedule. Kinsey was up like Christmas vacation never happened. She’s a morning person. No idea how that happened. Bailey is still pretty small so even if she’s still sleeping, and she was, you can easily lift her out of the top bunk and put her on the floor next to her clothes. Which we did. She immediately curled up and used the turtleneck Mom got out for her as a blanket. This strategy doesn’t work with Riley. She’s just too damn big. If I try and lift her out of bed at any point before 7 a.m., it will end poorly. I know with absolute metaphysical certitude that over 80 percent of the muscles in my lower back will scream with the same agony and pain the liberal bloggers displayed when our Prez-Elect kept Robert Gates as Sec Def and then watched him keep W’s whole pack of Pentagon pals.

Anyway, the rest of our morning went well. Virtually no mishaps. I’m still surprised. Bailey fell asleep in the car faster than me watching HGTV with Mom. Normally, Kinsey is the only narcoleptic in the family.

Fact: other people with narcolepsy – Jimmy Kimmel and Natassja Kinski.

So I arrived at work and I have this new daily calendar for 2009. The kind where you rip the page off each day. It’s about forgotten words in the English language. Each day has a word and a short story related to the word. Yesterday’s word is “howd’ye.” As in “How ye all doin’?” It was used during toasts at “any festivity accompanying imbibement” in England prior to 1900.

Interesting. But not as interesting as the fact that in 1630 the dude who was in charge of the Massachusetts colony “abolished the vain custom of drinking healths (making toasts) at his table, and in 1639 the court publicly ordered the cessation of the practice because it was a thing of no use.”

Man, if only I could outlaw things of no use.

Thing #1 – broccoli. Never liked it. The only purpose it has is to stink up the first floor when somebody decides to cook it. Whenever I attempt to eat it, I end up gagging like Chet in Weird Science when he’s trying to get Wyatt and Gary to hurl after they come home from The Kandy Bar.

Thing #2 – the entire “Sex and the City” franchise. Please, please make these women go away. Forever. I’m sure there is something about this series/movie that I don’t understand because I’m a dude. Just like Mom doesn’t understand my fully awesome NFL throwback mini-helmet collection.

Thing #3 – Polly Pockets. These things are just 3 inch barbies with tiny shoes. They also have special powers that prevent the girls from ever cleaning them up. Over time the teeny rubber shoes have become part of the carpet. They are like fossils.

“Ah yes, here we have the remnants of the pollictus sandalisimis.”

Anyway, it is still early in the week, so we’ll see how it plays out.

Published in: on January 6, 2009 at 6:58 pm  Comments (5)