Mom’s been gone since Thursday afternoon. The 2014 National Dance Team Championships were in Orlando this weekend. What? You didn’t hear? Scheduling it on Super Bowl weekend proves once and for all the entire dance industry is run by the scheduling impaired/adverse. Anyway, Mom went down with Rye. That means I’ve been home with Kinz and Bails since then continually wondering why we’re paying for a trip to Orlando for a dance competition for an 8th grader. It’s not like the competition is populated with college scouts determining who is going on the scholarship offer list. But whatever.
Here’s kinda what’s gone down in our ‘hood since Mom left.
I take the girls to dance as I do every Thursday. Except this particular Thursday their 86 year-old dance teacher kinda had it with some of the shenanigans displayed by them and their classmates. Seriously, their teacher is 86. Or 80 something. I don’t really know. But she remembers Pearl Harbor and might’ve dated Bronko Nagurski from the ’23 Bears. And she has ups. Not kidding. I’ve seen her catch actual air. I know some 46 year-olds who can’t jump anymore. She also has that freaky superhero dancer balance. Oh and a reminder…she’s 86. Time to put down the Cheetos and get your arse in shape because there’s an 86 year-old who, if she needed to, could Chuck Norris roundhouse kick your arse. Anyway, she laid some of that old school discipline down on the class.
We went directly from dance to Bails’ 4th grade orchestra concert. That means once again we have the in-car wardrobe change. But the girls have done this so often that its really not a big deal anymore. What is a big deal is that I remember to bring snacks. Strawberry Nutrigrain bars, pretzels and water. Check.
We arrive at the concert on time. Good job outta me on the logistics. As Kinz and I are sitting in the stands we scan the floor of the gym for Bails. We find her in a row with all her buddies. Weird thing is that while they all have instruments, Bails does not. How sure was I that she walked into the concert with her viola in its case? Pretty darn. Also pretty sure that it isn’t out of the realm of possibility that she has somehow lost track of its whereabouts during her journey from the front door to backstage to the gym floor. Adding to the intrigue is that she made at least three trips from her seat to the backstage door emerging from the door each time without an instrument until, with just minutes to spare before the start of the concert, she finally heads back to her seat with the viola.
Concert was your typical 4th grade orchestra concert. Although afterwards, Bails told me that she didn’t know one of the song. At all. They had practiced it for the first time Thursday morning. I told her you couldn’t tell. To which she responded, “well I was hoping everybody else knew the song and I could just fake it.” Sound strategy. Cliff Stoudt did for the entire 1983 season as the Steelers quarterback.
After school the girls convinced me to take them to see Frozen. I agree with certain stipulations. 1) I get to go to the hat store. 2) We’re going to eat dinner somewhere that costs less than $15. 3) I’m not going to Claire’s to look at crappy trinkets.
I almost recorded a blowout win. Ended up having to set foot in Justice. But after having been inside the same Justice during Christmas shopping season, this went smoother than a Glen Rice jumper during the ’89 Tourney. At one point we were the only three people in the store. It was glorious. Didn’t find a hat but did eat at Subway for just under $14. Boom.
Frozen was pretty good…if you’re a girl under the age of 12. But it was fun hanging out with Kinz and Bails. And I ate a giant tub of popcorn. It was good. I have no regrets.
Went out to breakfast and enjoyed the greatest of all breakfast dishes. The breakfast sandwich. Cheese, ham, eggs, English muffin. Mmm… I let the girls have Diet Coke for breakfast. It was as if I cured cancer, found Amelia Earhardt and went back in time to strike out Francisco Cabrera in Game 7 of the ’92 NLCS to win the pennant for the Pirates. We didn’t do much else the rest of the day. Bails had softball practice at this cool indoor facility. Oh and I’m the proud owner of $150 in new softball bats. New bat standards for 2014 so you can only use bats with the official insignia clearly displayed. Pretty surethe USSSA and the bat manufacturers are cahooting.
Didn’t have to get up early because we went to church Saturday evening so all I had to Sunday morning and was wake up and read the paper. Oh and watch Bails eat a whole bag of donuts. Whole bag of Little Debbie Glazed mini-donuts. Don’t get me wrong, if you are going to eat a whole bag of something, you could do worse. Those cheeseburger potato chips for example. Seriously though, that’s a lot of donuts for someone who is built like a pencil.
Went to the gym while the girls went to softball camp and received 90 minutes of hitting instruction from the local high school coaching staff/varsity players. They loved it. Hopefully it translates. But I spent a good portion of that time on the treadmill in front of a TV that COULD NOT BE CHANGED watching golf. F’ing golf. There was college basketball going on at the same time. Hell, there was even freaking hockey being played. I would have been happy with Property Brothers. Instead I’m watching Craig Stadler’s son figure out how to play a ball he hit into a freaking cactus. Yeah, and the ball is literally suspended about 3 or 4 inches off the ground because it appeared to have been impaled by one, or several, of the cactus’ spines. What the hell with the TV’s in gyms that don’t change channels? If you are going to have multiple TVs in front of freaking treadmills, one of them needs to be on an all sports station FOREVER. Not freaking Food Network. Unless Giada is on. But otherwise set the damn channel to ESPN or NFL Network or even Fox Sports 1. But don’t force me to watch several guys stand around a freaking cactus looking at a white ball for 15 freaking minutes. How the hell are you supposed to motivate yourself when you’re watching a fat guy win $1.1 million when part of his day involves standing around looking at a freaking cactus!
Eventually though we made it to a buddy’s house to watch the Super Bowl. He’s a Broncos fan. He had a bad day. But the girls had fun with his daughter. Mostly because all they ate was sugar. Not really kidding. You know what fun dip is? Its sugar. Pure uncut sugar. It’s like crack to grade school kids. They reacted to it the same I way I would if you gave me access to the NFL Films vault.
Managed to be home about 9:30 and the girls were asleep fairly quickly after that despite the artificial energy. This morning? They were a tad bit slower and less agreeable. But it was Monday morning. And there’s still 93 days until the NFL Draft…