I got stuck in 1986…

Most people, I assume anyways, develop playlists for various activities in which they engage.  Driving, running the treadmill, folding laundry, etc.  I don’t do that.  I tend to watch DVR’d episodes of The Goldberg’s when I fold laundry.  Regardless, I’m not really sure why but I just don’t make playlists.  It isn’t really a conscious decision either because if I chose to do so, I’d have playlists for all kinds of stupid crap.  Like I’m pretty sure I’d have one for driving home from work on Fridays that would feature Loverboy with Working for the Weekend, Prince with Let’s Go Crazy and Shot of Poison from Lita Ford.  And, if I’m being honest, I’d also have Firewoman from The Cult in there because that song is f’ing badass.

But I don’t have a Friday afternoon drive home playlist.  Instead, out of what is most likely laziness and indifference, I do it old school.  I’ll listen to the radio…or…brace yourselves…I just play the CDs that are stacked up in the CD player in my truck.  So it’s a playlist but just how we did it in 1992.

Anyway, I usually take a portable electronic device down to the basement in the morning when I work out.  I’ll go to youtube and let it play whatever video pops up.  Today, I got stuck in 1986.  Not literally of course.  I don’t have a DeLorean, I didn’t notice the northern lights combining with my HAM radio and I don’t have access to a Hot Tub Time Machine.  But ’86 wasn’t a bad year.  Reagan was still president.  Magnum was still on TV.  And the giant tech companies like Google, Facebook and Amazon didn’t spy on everyone through advanced computer algorithms which manipulate what we expose ourselves to online.  It was a simpler time.  Plus, 1986 was a good year for music.  Here’s what youtube gave me:

Kyrie.  I don’t care what you guys say.  This song is awesome.  Favorite line – “When I was young I thought of growing old, of what my life would mean to me.”  If there’s a song out there that is more winter of ’86, I’d like to know about it.  Sure you could throw out Life in a Northern Town or Take Me Home or even These Dreams…which is really emblematic of how awesome Heart’s self titled album was during my sophomore year of high school.  But Kyrie is just a really cool mid-80’s rock song/video…that features lead singer Richard Pope wearing a badass coat.

Take It Easy.  Yes, it was featured in a classic example of mid-80’s cheese in the movie American Anthem…which by the way featured a supremely hot Janet Jones before she married Wayne Gretzky.  But two things here: 1) The amount of faded, shredded up denim in the video makes me smile,  2) It features what would have been my senior quote in the yearbook…had my school actually put quotes in our yearbook – “Don’t give me reasons, and I won’t ask for nothing.”

Let’s Go All The Way.  If you are putting together a list of one-hit wonders from the 80’s you gotta include this song.  Plus Michael Camacho’s power mullet may only have been challenged by mullet enthusiast Mel Gibson’s stunning hair in Lethal Weapon.  For an 80’s top 10 hit, this song was preachy politically…but nobody cared because this damn song is too freaking catchy to upset anybody.

Perfect Way.  So nobody really remembers or cares about Scritti Politti but this was a fairly decent pop hit.  According to Wikipedia, these guys started as a “Marxist, DIY post-punk band.”  But like most Marxists in the 80’s, Reagan either crushed under red, white and blue American badassery or converted them into full-throated capitalists trying to make as much money as possible before their window of coolness closed for good.  Kinda like Rachel Maddow right now.

Take Me Home Tonight.  Eddie Freaking Money.  Granted, this isn’t his best song, but you have to admit it is damn close.  She Takes My Breath Away and Gimme Some Water are better and I have a soft spot for Walk on Water.  Don’t have a good explanation for that it just is what it is.  But when it comes to standing around your kitchen late Friday night hanging with your fellow Gen Xers whaling on the air guitar, you could do worse than belting out the lyrics to Take Me Home Tonight while disposing of a few Miller Lites.

Invisible Touch.  Okay, so Genesis is awesome.  Seriously.  These guys are freaking awesome.  I’d go see 1986 Genesis right now…as long as Phil Collins did some of his solo stuff.  Full disclosure – my favorite song on the Invisible Touch CD is Throwing It All Away but who isn’t happy after listening to Invisible Touch?  Who?  No one that’s who.  Because it is impossible not to smile while singing along.  You know why?  Because Phil Collins was cool.  He looked like your chemistry teacher but he could play drums and got to co-star in an episode of Miami Vice.  80’s baby!

And then outta nowhere…Yankee Rose.  This song really doesn’t get the respect it deserves.  It freaking rocks.  It’s literally about the Statue of Liberty.  Freedom.  America.  David Lee Roth.  What is there not to like?  Big giant guitar solo?  It’s in there.  Big giant drums?  Done.  Big giant screaming lyrics.  Boom.

Man, if I could get my hands on a Hot Tub…

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The Most Depressing Time of Year

Well, it’s the most depressing time of the year.  It’s February.  The worst month of the year.  If you were ranking the months from top to bottom, February is easily 12th.  January is probably 11th and I’m really sure what month would be 10th.  But it really doesn’t matter because February sucks so much.  The only thing worse than February are probably Tuesdays in February.  Because, as we all know, Tuesday is probably the crappiest day of the week.  It serves no purpose other than being the ass end of Monday.  Anyway, the real reason this is the most depressing time of year is that football is gone until August.  Yes, we get the combine and the draft – both of which are awesome – but football is still done.  Although for most of us that happened when our teams either missed the playoffs or were knocked out.  Or in the Steelers’ case, simply forgot to show up for a quarter and a-half in home playoff game against freaking Jacksonville.  Hopefully Roger Goodell will, for the greater good, step down as NFL Commissioner in the meantime.  Since that seems as likely as Lord Vader allowing minor construction delays to go unpunished, maybe he will simply see fit to allow a catch to be a catch.  Jesse James scored by the way.  That was a touchdown.

Regardless, you see a lot of lists this time of year about the top 10 NFL playoff games or the or the top 10 Super Bowls or the Top 10 reasons hair metal was and is better than grunge.  But since I’m an NFL dork I went back and looked for something else.  The best playoff games that didn’t happen because somebody lost a round early.  Granted, I didn’t nerd out on it too much so you may find my research a bit rudimentary.  I mean if you care about looking up NFL playoff games that didn’t actually occur.  But if you’ve read this far I’m guessing you have more than a passing interest in the great “what ifs” of NFL playoff history.  Or you’re bored.  Either way, here’s what I came up with…in no particular order.

1975 Rams at Vikings in the NFC Championship.  Didn’t happen because Drew Pearson pushed off on Nate Wright and caught the Hail Mary at old Metropolitan Stadium in Bloomington, Minn.  But back in the 70’s contact down the field was just football so no flag.  The real question is what the hell was Paul Krause doing on the play instead of flying over to knock Pearson into the first row.  Nobody remembers that on that game winning drive, the Cowboys converted a 4th and 17 just prior to the Hail Mary…although it is still questionable that Drew Pearson actually got both feet down to complete that catch. drewpearsonhailmary

That ’75 Vikings team was not only going for it’s third consecutive NFC Championship, it was probably the best Vikings team of the 70’s.  But the wildcard Cowboys beat them.  Yeah, the Don Coryell Cardinals won the NFC East that year, not Dallas.  Yet somehow Dallas played their way into the Super Bowl by beating the Rams the next week.  The Rams tied for the best record in the NFC in ’73, ’74 and ’75.  Their overall record for those three years was 34-8.  Their ’75 team had the best defense in the league.  The Vikings had the 3rd best defense, the 3rd best offense and had the NFL MVP in Fran Tarkenton.  The Hail Mary is legendary but it prevented a great, great matchup between LA and the Vikes.

Bradshawchargers1979 Steelers at Chargers in the AFC Championship.  San Diego beat the Steelers 35-7 in week 12.  And had they not inexplicably lost to the Oilers, who were without Earl Campbell and Dan Pastorini, they’d have played the Steelers again in the AFC Championship.  Chargers fans love to talk about this game that never happened as if it’s a foregone conclusion they would have ended the Super Steelers dynasty a year early and went on to their first Super Bowl Championship with a win over the overmatched Rams.  This is of course crap.  The 35-7 victory was not nearly as lopsided as it appeared.  The Steelers had 8 turnovers.  Total yardage between the two teams was 218-193 in favor of the Chargers.  There was actually pretty good defense in this game but the Steelers offense gave the Chargers several short fields due to the turnovers.  And instead of making the game 21-14 midway through the 3rd quarter, Bradshaw throws a 77 yard pick six.  And it’ s 28-7.  Really wish this championship game would have happened as we’d no longer have the Mike Renfro touchdown catch controversy and Chargers fans would have been silenced after the Steelers smoked them in the AFC Championship.

Ericwilliams841984 Broncos at Dolphins AFC Championship.  This is the game we not only did not get in 1984 but…ever.  Elway and Marino never met in the playoffs.  Which is, of course, some sort of cosmic crime against humanity.  I mean this was the match up of the mid-80’s.  Imagine Star Wars without Luke running that trench and ignoring his targeting computer.  Or Huey Lewis without the News.  Or Alex P. Keaton without his middle initial.  That’s what the ’84 Championship was like without Elway.  But thanks to Eric Williams’ interception of #7 late in the 4th quarter of the divisional playoff game between Denver and Pittsburgh, we never got to see Elway and Marino battle it out in the playoffs.  Denver went 13-3 in ’84.  Marino threw 48 TDs and for over 5,000 yards.  We were cheated out of this matchup.  The only thing more 80’s than these guys fighting it out in the AFC Championship game are reruns of TJ Hooker.  Seriously, they were never this close again for the rest of their careers to playing for a Super Bowl birth.  Even though it benefited the Steelers, it ruined a great matchup.

New-England1985Marino1985 Dolphins/Bears Super Bowl.  Long before the Patriots were stealing signals and video taping their opponent’s walk throughs, they were blowing up the 1985 season.  The Bears obviously dominated the fall of ’85 but the Raiders and the Dolphins were both extremely good teams that year too.  The Dolphins famously knocked off the Bears on Monday Night Football ending their run at an undefeated season.  And because the Patriots not only knocked out the Raiders but then went to Miami and knocked out the Dolphins, America’s dream of seeing the Bears-Dolphins rematch was ended.  As an aside, even though I’m a huge Dan Marino fan, he really didn’t take advantage of the years when he was surrounded by a really good team – ’83, ’85, ’90, maybe ’92 when he played in his last AFC Championship.  But outside of the Dolphins inability to build around Dan, his loss in the mud to New England sorta crapped on the end of the ’85 season.

thanksmckyer1994 Steelers/49ers Super Bowl.  Team of the 70’s vs. Team of the 80’s playing in the 90’s for total and complete global domination and hegemony.  Way to go Tim McKyer.  You couldn’t cover me and you gave up a TD pass on 3rd and 14 to cheat us out of this epic matchup.  Blame can also be spread to Steelers offensive coordinator Ron Earhardt for running the freaking ball on 1st and Goal and losing two yards after O’Donnell went 7 on 7 on the drive to Chargers 9 yard line after Tim McKyer’s gaffe.  Whatever.  This was also the first example of Cowher’s penchant for pulling the full Schottenheimer in the AFC Championship.

There are a couple more that I would have liked to have seen but just didn’t think they rose to the same level of frustration as the five I listed above.  For example, the ’83 AFC Championship would have been a helluva game if it was the Raiders and the Dolphins.  But the Killer B’s couldn’t stop Dave Kreig – Dave Freaking Kreig – from going 80 yards in about 45 seconds.  Maybe the ’93 AFC Championship would have been better if the Oilers had managed to get past the Joe Montana led Chiefs that year to set up a rematch of their epic ’92 meltdown against the Bills in Buffalo.

Anyway, is it August yet…

 

Published in: on February 6, 2018 at 6:19 pm  Leave a Comment  
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