Did anybody else have this conversation last night?
I’m putting our two younger ones to bed and the tooth fairy comes up. Why? Well, Kinsey has lost three teeth in the last five days. It’s like that crazy dentist from Marathon Man is working at their school now.
Anyway, her two front teeth and one on the bottom have all come out. She looks hilarious. For about three days she was working over one of her top teeth – twisting it all different directions, trying to get it out. But she wouldn’t pull it out. Mom and her sisters kept urging her to rip that bad boy outta there. But I told her it would come out when it was ready. My Mom told tell me the same thing but my older sister always wanted me to yank it out. See, you’re one of two kids of people. You either pull your tooth out when its loose or you let it come out when its ready. You know which one you are. If you’re a puller, I’m pretty sure you also picked your scabs instead of just letting them heal. Mom’s a puller and a picker. I’m not.
Anyway, when it finally came out the one next to it was just about ready too. Except this one was twisted all weird-like so it was sort of to the left and pointing out at you. Tauting you, hanging on like Davy Crockett at the Alamo. Then I pick her up from school yesterday and another one is missing.
“Geez, Kinz did somebody punch you in the mouth today? You’re missing another one!”
“I know! It’s awesome. I’m going to have so much money!”
I sort of questioned the whole tooth fairy myth right here. Not because I’m one of those whiny parents who thinks perpetuating the myths of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy is lying to your kids and setting them up for disappointment. Which is pretty much liberalism if you think about it. But because she’s getting it in her head that she make money by donating body parts.
So they’re getting into bed and Bailey asks me, “Dad, how does the tooth fairy get into the house?”
“I’m not sure kiddo. I’ve never seen her.”
“Is she really small like Tinkerbell?”
“Yeah she’s super teeny,” says Kinsey with a heavy emphasis on “teeny” while squeezing her fingers together.
I shrug and answer, “Really? Well I lock all the windows and doors every night so I have no idea how she gets in here unless she has some sort of special ops training. Plus, if she’s that small, how does she carry the quarters?”
Kinsey: “Well, she has magic like Santa.”
Magic is a key ingredient in the world of children. It helps answer questions and solve problems. Like the “do-over” rule at recess.
“She does?” I ask with as much incredulity as I could muster.
Bailey: “Yeah, she uses magic to come through the windows. Then she flies over to your pillow, takes your tooth and leaves you money.”
Kinsey: “Right and then she uses the tooth to build her tooth castle.”
“Her what?” Actual incredulity evident in my question.
Kinsey: “Her tooth castle. She takes the teeth that kids lose and uses them to build her tooth castle that she lives in.”
Me: “You mean each one of the teeth is like a brick? That’s kinda weird. And probably stinky.”
Bailey: “Dad do you talk to the tooth fairy like you talk to Santa?”
I have the girls convinced that I have Santa’s phone number in my cell phone. It’s pretty cool. I can only call him if its important. Only parents have the number and they aren’t allowed to tell anyone or even talk about it. It’s brilliant.
Me: “Um, no. But the tooth fairy probably knows Santa. I hear that she likes to hang with the elves.”
Kinsey: “Can you call Santa now and tell him that I’ve been really super good?”
Me: “You know, I don’t always get to talk to the jolly old fat man with the snowy white beard. He’s pretty busy. So sometimes I just get the elves. A middle manager somewhere in the toy factory. But he makes sure that the all the messages from Moms and Dads get to the right place.”
Bailey: “So Santa knows. He knows everything. He has a magic snowball and he knows God. Jesus too.”
Kinsey: “Yeah, they are friends.”
Me: “Yup, I think you’re right about that. But you better get to sleep because it’s pretty windy out there tonight and the tooth fairy might be busy or running into delays. You never know how many kids are losing teeth. September is usually a busy month for her.”
Kinsey: “I know. Because all the kids are back in school and that’s when you lose your teeth.”
I’m glad they didn’t ask me about the Easter Bunny because I’m not really going to sell that one. A giant pastel colored bunny hopping around hiding plastic eggs? Nobody is going to buy that. Kinda like telling Americans that the government can run health care without raising your taxes…