If you recall, last year I wrote a post about the reasons certain folks hate Thanksgiving. I had a lot of fun writing it. So I did it again. You can read it below. But Mom thought I was bit too rantastic, and by that she meant I was mean, in my own disdain for the Left’s feelings about Thanksgiving. So I tried to find some common ground with the Haters.
After some brief, albeit shallow, research I discovered that one of the ajor complaints about Thanksgiving among Thanksgiving Haters is the food. And, truth be told, I kinda have some sympathy for them here.
For example, yams. What the hell is a yam? Yam sounds like something Patriots fans yell when Tom Brady hits Gronk for a first down on 3rd and 15. “Yam baby! Brady is yamming the Jets today!” But it doesn’t sound like food. Turns out yams should be the Left’s favorite Thanksgiving food. 70% of the world’s yams are produced in Nigeria. They were imported from Africa to the Caribbean during the Slave trade. Yams have a bit of identity crisis and they are often mistaken for sweet potatoes and often treated and prepared as if they, in fact, are sweet potatoes. In vegetable circles, this is known as Sweet Potato Privilege. Yam interest groups, in their fight for vegetable equality, are pushing Big Vegetable to change production practices in order end institutional yamism. While efforts in the Vegetable Congress have focused on raising taxes on sweet potatoes and using the new revenue to provide free yams to consumers regardless of yam demand.
Cranberry sauce. This is not a sauce. It is also not edible. It’s a canned tube of gelatin. Cranberry sauce is jello’s a-hole cousin that nobody likes but still shows up at Thanksgiving to regale everyone with it’s tales of awesomeness while pointing out to everybody what they’re doing wrong. When not being served at Thanksgiving, it doubles as the gel used to test ballistics on spent rounds of ammunition in crime labs across the country.
Butter. I totally understand and generally endorse the use of butter to turn crescent rolls into carby, oily wonderfulness. But, and let me be clear about this, the butter on the mashed potatoes in the huge bowl should not be pooling into small ponds deep enough that if, by accident of course, a crescent roll slid off your plate into the aforementioned butter pond, it would be completely submersed and require the use of commercial tongs to retrieve. If you go to the mashed taters and Hudson Bay is present, just walk by. You can’t eat that.
Greenbean casserole. Stop trying to trick me by combining green beans with fried onions, cream of mushroom soup and cheddar cheese. They’re still green beans. And along with broccoli and cauliflower, represent a triumvirate of things I hope to avoid on Thanksgiving. Other things I hope to avoid on Thanksgiving: any discussion of broadway musicals, watching the Cowboys win, and defending my natural tendency to believe beer is always appropriate as a beverage.
Giblets. Dude, they are sealed in a bag and placed into the body cavity of the bird. That all sounds ominous. Like the turkey zombie virus is carried by the giblets so they have to be sealed in a bag to prevent an outbreak.
Marshmallows. I mean…what!? When in the hell did it become okay to 1) put marshmallows on anything other than a smore, and 2) serve them on Thanksgiving? Stop doing it. What’s next? Are you going to serve shrimp ceviche, ahi tuna and oyster casserole?
So there you have it, the Thanksgiving haters have one gripe that I’m willing to entertain. Briefly. Otherwise, shut up and enjoy the rest of your pumpkin ales and Octoberfest beers, the pie and the, well, the pie. Also just a couple more weeks until Star Wars: The Force Awakens.