I don’t like surprises. It’s against my nature.
So I walk into the gas station down the street from our new house to get my 44 oz. Diet Pepsi which I get nearly every morning on the way to work. If you’re a pop nazi and feel a burning need to start lecturing me about all the horribly destructive stuff pop does to my teeth and esophagus, well, suck it. I’m drinking it. If Hillary is elected she’ll outlaw it anyway. My beloved 44 ouncer costs $1.06. I go in with exact change every morning. What? I have too much change in my truck and I’m trying to get rid of it. Seriously. I bet my gas mileage improves with every 44 ouncer I buy. Not to mention the fact that I like to pay with cash (or coins when applicable). Why? Because it’s nobody’s business what, when or how often I buy stuff. Corporate America and the government ain’t tracking my consumer purchases!
Anyway, the pop costs $1.06. Until today. I reach over to hand the guy behind the counter my $1.06 and he says “$1.58.”
Upon recognition of my look of both dismay and resigned realization of the inevitability of a cost increase, he – not surprisingly – says, “Price went up today.”
I give him a $1.60, which isn’t exact change, and I leave. I mean, they got me. I’m going to this gas station to get pop. I’m not changing my morning routine. I like routines. They eliminate decisions. And right now, at work, I’m making decisions all freaking day. So in the morning I don’t want to have to add unneeded and unnecessary decisions to an already decisiony day. So the question is, “who decided that 52 cent increase was justified for my 44 oz pop?”
I’m blaming Obamacare. It has raised the cost of everything. And Hillary. Any day now there will be an email released detailing her role in the price increase. Probably Kurt Cobain and all those assholes in Seattle who killed hair metal had something to do with it too. The idiot who brought Emerald Ash Borer to the Midwest and killed all the ash trees is guilty too. And while I’m at it…George Atkinson for prematurely ending Lynn Swann’s career due to concussions. The mid-90’s for the general suckitude of the music. Francisco Cabrera. Smartphones. The creators of MTV’s The Real World for coming up the genre of reality TV. Millennials. Big 10 commissioner Jim Delaney. And whoever is responsible for the death of Saturday morning cartoons.