I like Santa. He’s a jolly old fat man with a snowy white beard. He’s about giving, hope and faith. He represents the best in all of us and asks nothing in return. He shows up regardless of the weather, regardless of how you voted in November and regardless of whether you believe in him or not.
Christmas is the season, to paraphrase Frank Cross, when we’re all a little nicer.
Mom was in Omaha and Lincoln for most of last week. And her side of the family came to the house over the weekend to celebrate an early Christmas. Plus Rogue One came out Friday. Yeah, so Friday morning was pretty much shot when it came to cleaning up the house and making food along with all the other related holiday preparedness chores necessary to accomplish when family is about to arrive.
So that means it fell upon me to get the place ready. I unilaterally modified that task to mostly ready. Why? Because I’m a simple dude. And a lot of stuff that some people think are necessary, I don’t. But listen, we kicked Christmas’ ass decorating this place. It looks freaking awesome. Our family room looks like HG-freaking-TV was here. Chip and Joanna, when they’re not fighting off the leftwing twitter lynch mob, would be proud. The house smells like a yuletide log filled with mistletoe and sugarplums, delivered to the house by a one-horse open sleigh driven by eleven lords-a-leaping, exploded leaving an exquisite ensemble of poinsettias, silver bells and a sea of swirly twirly gum drops. It’s like Santa himself detailed the Seal Team 6 of elves to come get the place ready for the holidays. So I figured as long as the house is clean, the beer is cold and there is enough food to prevent starvation, we’d be set.
Yes, there were a few things left to clean up after we got home from watching Rogue One. But it was Rogue One. What the hell were we supposed to do? Wait until next weekend to see it? Here’s a pic of me getting ready to watch.
First one in the theater baby!
Regardless, I was on top of making sure the house was ready. Thursday night, whilst cleaning up the basement, I thought I’d get all the laundry done too. Seemed reasonable. However, there are three teenage girls in the house. Things which are of deathly importance to them do not always rise to that same level with me.
So, I’m doing the laundry and various clean up related tasks. I’m about done and getting ready to call the evening’s prep work a win and just go to bed when Rye comes into the bedroom.
“Dad, when you were doing laundry did you go into my room and take anything?”
“Are you asking did I pick up any of the clothes that were strewn about your floor? No, I didn’t. I asked if you had any laundry you wanted done and you specifically said no. I chose to believe you.”
“Ok, well it was Kinsey then.”
“Wait, what was Kinsey?”
“Well, my Lulu Lemon tights got washed in the washer and they are only supposed to be hand washed.”
Quick point of context – Lulu Lemon is the brand that sells tights/leggings that are about $700. I’m kidding but Rye did save up a bunch of money this summer specifically to buy leggings that were about $100. Yes, $100 American dollars. They are so precious but also evidently constructed so poorly that they can’t cannot survive a routine cycle in a washing machine and instead can only endure 19th century clothes washing technology.
“Sorry about that kiddo but I just put whatever whatever was in the darks pile into the washing machine. I didn’t look to see what was in the pile because I figure if you guys made the rare decision to put your own dirty laundry in the laundry room I was just going to go ahead assume you were serious about that stuff getting washed. I just unloaded the washer and hung up 3 or 4 pairs of black tights or leggings or whatever. Nothing like that got put in the dryer.”
“Okay, well, Kinsey must have put them in the laundry on purpose. I hate her.”
Then she went into Kinsey’s room, blamed her, and then went back into her room and started crying.
So much for there being a feeling of Christmas in the air. But that is how the mind of 17 year-old upset about her ridiculously expensive black leggings being washed glitches when upset. She doesn’t think that she may have inadvertently put them in the wrong pile, or absent mindedly picked them up with something else off her floor, instead she tried to pin the blame on me. When it was obvious that wouldn’t work, she seamlessly transitioned to blaming her sister, for no other reason than malice, for trying to purposely ruin them.
I mean what was Kinsey’s motive? What did she have to gain by going into Rye’s room, searching for the Lulu Lemon leggings and then sneakily placing them in the pile of dirty laundry in the laundry room. Where’s the payoff?
After getting blamed, Kinsey comes into my room looking like the media on election night. She confusedly asks me if I knew what Rye was talking about. We went through a quick recap and Kinz says, “Why would I do that? That literally makes no sense.” Aside from acknowledging her use of “literally” in a relatively appropriate way, I just told her to ignore Rye and go to bed.
Which, if I’m being honest, is my go to strategy when dealing with the three teenage girls in my house…