Remember that story I told you about my two front teeth getting knocked out by a line drive off my daughter’s bat about 16 months ago? Not really? Okay, quick refresher – took a line drive directly to my face, just below my nose and just above my front teeth. I assume what I felt was similar to what Hollywood felt when they called Pennsylvania for Trump.
No bone fractures, no cracked teeth, just quite a bit of blood. And swelling. Pretty gross. Also my face is evidently made out of high grade steel. Not that I’m bragging or daring you to test that conclusion but its pretty amazing that my teeth were fully intact along with the rest of my face. Anyway, went to the ER and then to the dentist. After their unexpected exit from my mouth the fugitive teeth were transported to the ER in my pocket and then to the dentist in a cup of milk. For teeth, milk is apparently like a defibrillator. After about an hour of being as toothless as Hillary’s appeal in the upper Midwest, the dentist replanted the teeth using sheer brute force. Afterwards it was clearly explained to me that they had no idea if the replanting would work. Replanting normally only works in teenagers. Dudes in their mid-40’s eventually come back in to get permanent replacement teeth because we do not have the bloodflow necessary in our gums for a complete healing process to succeed.
Yeah, so here’s the update. I had a dentist appointment last week and it was time for x-rays. By the way, does it cause anyone even the slightest bit of concern that your protection against multiple invisible radioactive x-rays is a flimsy apron infused with lead or a lead equivalent? Or that the lead apron covers you from mid-thigh to your neck…but they are aiming the radiation at your mouth which is unprotected and, if I remember human anatomy correctly, is really damn close to your brain.
Anyway, I had a new hygienist working on my teeth. She didn’t know the whole backstory. I suggested she read my dental history before working on my teeth. I think she took the comment as skepticism of her ability to her job. Which, in retrospect, is silly. If you’re going to pick a fight with someone, it sure as hell isn’t going to be a person armed with sharp pokey things and the legal protection to cause significant dental related pain. But she still looked at me the same way I looked when the Steelers were eliminated from playoff contention in 1980. Then she went back to the chart and after about 30 seconds, she turns toward me and says, “So, those are your real teeth back in there, huh?”
Is Samantha Bee a hypocritical condescending douchelord?
After she’s done cleaning my teeth, she grabs the x-rays and calls for the dentist to take a look. They’re laughing as they come back to my chair. Dentist says, “I was just going over our, um, history.” Turns out getting your teeth knocked out by a softball moving faster than the Milennium Falcon making the Kessel Run then salvaging them quickly enough that they can be shoved back into your sockets isn’t something most hygenists are taught to deal with in school.
Dentist holds up the x-ray of my front teeth and describes that inexplicably the gum tissue surrounding my teeth is not only healthy but it appears as if nothing ever happened. Additionally, the ligaments appear to have reattached. But mostly importantly it looks as if the roots of the teeth and the bone are fusing. This is a condition called ankylosis .
So sort of a double edged sword here according to my dentist. Chances are, as long as things remain healthy, these teeth aren’t coming out again. They are pretty damn secure. Which, again, she can’t believe because dudes in the mid-40’s don’t have their teeth replanted, they have them replaced. But the downside is that if they ever need to come out for some reason, it’s kind of a big deal. The dentist’s conclusion?
“You’re are an amazing healer. Your gums are as healthy as can be, the teeth look completely normal and they are really, really secure in there.”
“I might be off base here but what I’m hearing you say is that I’m Wolverine. I have extraordinary healing powers but instead of retractable adamantium claws, I have beaver teeth.”
Dentist didn’t totally agree, but also didn’t completely reject it. So I’m counting that as win.