It’s been about three weeks since we moved. It’s weird. You live in a house for almost 19 years then one morning you wake up and all your stuff gets moved to a different house. And listen, it is amazing the stuff you’ve not only accumulated over 19 years but the things you’ve somehow kept. Like my cassette tape single of Dirty Love by Thunder. Not only a great song but totally emblematic of the summer of the ’91. Other things awesome about the summer of ’91? The T-1000, Andy Van Slyke in centerfield for the Pirates and I went to Game 2 of the NBA Finals and saw this:
I really thought it would be more difficult to leave the house once we fixed all the little things and made it look so nice. Over the last few years, we’d renovated two bathrooms, replaced all the windows, put a new roof on, re-sided the house, sealed and patched the garage floor, put new carpet in the upstairs and downstairs and I really thought, man, we put a lot of cash, time and effort into this house…and then the bank handed me the check at closing. Turns out I don’t really miss it as much as I thought. I miss our old neighbors. I miss the big trees. I mean the convenience of the location. Dude, I could get anywhere – bank, grocery store, gas station, Mexican restaurant, Target, mall, softball fields, three different schools, dry cleaners, hardware store all in 10 minutes or less. New house? We’ve been completely sealed off by traffic lights. Everything takes more time. Seriously add 15 minutes and lots of swearing to everywhere you go. By the time you’re home on the couch watching The Goldbergs you’ve become pretty irritated. Thankfully, I’m figuring out the shortcuts. There’s exactly one. As in uno. Regardless, what I really miss is knowing where the hell everything is located inside the house.
You spend 19 years in a house and you literally, not figuratively, know where everything is. Forks and knives? Same drawer they’ve been in for 19 years. Duct tape? Utility drawer in in the kitchen. DePaul Blue Demons pennant you’ve had since the ’83-’84 season? White bin on the second shelf in the basement.
I don’t even freaking know which freaking switch turns on the freaking lights in the freaking house. I came down the stairs early in the morning this week and I’m hitting every freaking light switch I can find to try and turn on the damn light above the kitchen table. It probably looked like gun shots if you were standing outside watching.
You know what else is a bit unsettling? Tampa Bay possibly playing San Jose for Lord Stanley’s Cup that’s what. Also, mowing a different yard. An entirely different patch of earth. Yeah, I had the pattern rotation down cold in the old yard. I had it down so I could mow, trim and edge all under an hour. Now? I almost collapsed from exhaustion the first time I mowed the new yard. Didn’t help that the mower kinda crapped out me but listen, this new yard…is a BIG DAMN yard. It’s like push mowing Montana. I looked like Forrest Gump when he was finally done running.
Plus the first time I did it the internet guys hadn’t buried the cable line yet so I had to constantly pick up and mow under the freaking thing. Pretty sure this is how involuntary amputations happen. Oh, and special thanks to the builder who decided it was swell idea to grade the dirt around the southeast corner of house so pushing the mower up that hill is like running up the damn American Ninja Warrior Warped Wall. That was super enjoyable. Plus the self-propelled part of the self-propelled drive on the right rear wheel packed it in for the rest of the job which meant that not only was the mower now half self-propelled and half 45 year-old-Dad-propelled, but it was pulling heavily to the left. So I’m trying to mow a small hill that is, roughly speaking, an 80 degree grade while reaching down and picking up the exposed internet line with a mower running at 50% propulsion that really just wants to turn left. If I had video I’m pretty sure it would be a good visual representation of the Bernie Sanders campaign.
Before I could get the trimmer out I had to go inside and sit down for 20 minutes to prevent a cardiac event. Pretty much decided at that point that I was going to mulch…or pave…the entire yard. I’d start looking at lawn tractors…or as some of you may know them – riding mowers – but that really just feels like quitting. Like giving into my impending 46th birthday. My solution? American Ninja Warrior. I’m just gonna scale that damn hill full speed everyday until its easy. 46 years-old my ass.