Halloween ’12

You know what you don’t get as an adult that you did get as a kid?

Halloween decorations. Or Thanksgiving decorations now that I think about it.

Remember back in grade school how your teacher would decorate the classroom with seasonal and/or holiday decorations? You’d get those stickers on your papers after the teacher graded them. A jack-o-latern sticker in October, then a pilgrim hat in November. It’s weird the things you miss. Like Vikings home games in December at the Met. Now that was a homefield advantage.

Anyway, Halloween comes in second to Christmas when it comes to the amount of money Americans spend on a holiday. Those of us in the New World evidently really love Halloween. But not so much that we staple cardboard ghosts to the walls in our offices. Or cut pumpkins out of orange construction paper and tape them to our desks.

Which is weird considering how Halloween seems to be as polarizing a holiday as the current red state/blue state battle. You either participate or you go to great lengths to avoid participating.

Plus you have a growing number of adults who are turning Halloween into a holiday for us instead of for kids. But that’s a different rant.

So you’re wondering about my evidence regarding the polarizing effects of Halloween? Exhibit #1: America hating a-holes who lock their doors and turn out their lights and refuse to be neighborly and hand out candy. Who are you people? First, why are you a funsmasher? I can’t document this but I’m pretty sure America’s trick or treaters spend more time planning their Halloween costumes than Obama spent on his health care law. Even if you are a twentysomething without kids who is dressing up as a drunk vice-president, what keeps you from handing out candy for an hour or two before hitting the bar? Or just sit at the door with a beer and hand out candy. Sure you look like a d-bag, but you’re neighbors probably already think that anyway since you only mow your lawn once a month and when you do, its just to chop down the dandelions. And how big of a douche do you have to be to turn out all your lights and sit in the dark and pretend you’re not home? A really, really impressively douchey douche. Like reaching David Axelrod douchiness levels.

I mean what happened to you on Halloween back in your youth that has driven your Halloween hatred so deep that you feel justified in punishing little blond princesses and 3 and a-half foot draculas? Seriously, unless you lived in the same town as Michael Myers, you have no excuse. None!

Exhibit #2: Any number of “festivals” or “parties” that actually replace instead of compliment trick or treating. This is not okay. Unless you live in a sketchy neighborhood, trick or treating is about as American as it gets. Fireworks on the 4th of July, Pat Summerall and John Madden on Thanksgiving, begging for candy on Halloween. I believe these so-called celebrations are the work of overzealous and/or overenthusiastic parents. The ones who use the term “momsense” and are sometimes referred to as “Apache Attack Helicopter Parents” which, as everyone knows, are the most dangerous of the helicopter parents. They seek to command and control all activities involving children. They often use the dark arts or ninja techniques to destabilize events or goings-on that are outside their sphere of influence or do not meet their expectations. Beware!

Exhibit #3:
Dude, back in the day we’d have kids from miles away come to our door. You remember this. The kid who got off the school bus like six stops before you shows up on Halloween asking for a Kit-Kat. And were Kit-Kats not like the pure gold of Halloween candy after-market trade scene? Same thing with Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. I’d trade multiple Three Musketeers bars for a Kit-Kat. I was always willing to part with any Three Musketeers bars. Those things aren’t for everybody. Remember the candy cigarettes? Genius marketing by the tobacco companies. Anyway, the long distance Halloween hike has joined the aforementioned candy cigarettes in extinctland. This year we made it about two streets over and that’s it. Although one of the Mom’s gave me a beer. Shock Top Belgian White. But you don’t see these ambitious souls anymore. Why? Because they are at some party or festival being indoctrinated as to why trick or treating is dangerous. Boo! Boo I say.

I’m sure these are the same people who skip Thanksgiving and go right to Christmas. They just blatanly cheat on Thanksgiving without any remorse. But, again, that’s a rant for another day…


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